Rumination part 1

In which what little there is of plot manages to grind to a complete stop. 


Story: Rumination part 1
Author: WalkingMaelstrom

And on that note, we leave Torture-Device's writing and Lord Vect, as I turn to the next part in the "epic saga" of Rivals Til Death, hammered out by WalkingMaelstrom. 

I have to say, after those chapters of mangled English, I am almost glad to see the writing of WalkingMaelstrom. Almost. Because with his return to the keyboard of command, it means we return to overly-flowery language, walls of text and Naruto referencing out of the ass.

"The nerve of these naysayers!" He vented under his breath, intentionally for those within a small radius to hear.  "Brutalizing and callously putting all to the torch while striding so cocksure amidst our sacred halls.  I feel as if a taint of arrogance had just passed through, that 'construct' of a human being, black bile and blood oozing out like some childhood parlor trick.  And the gall he possesses to question me, question us!"

Space Marines have a high-strung way of speaking (because they have little interaction with normal humans), but they are still soldiers, yet not soldiers who would use the word "cocksure", so this just comes off as amazingly silly. This entire paragraph so wonderfully sums up why I dislike WalkingMaelstrom's writing so much. He seems to know where the Space Marines are coming from, but doesn't quite grasp what makes them what they are. Like psycho-indoctrination, which removes a Space Marine's memories of his childhood. Apparently Cailean can still remember his, further proof that he's a Gary-Stu (as if that was needed), seeing as this little fact slipped by the Chief Librarian completely. 

This is swiftly followed by a half-page long paragraph describing the persona and personal history of Chapter Master Quintus. The term "info dump" has never felt more appropriate. And WalkingMaelstrom seems to like the words "nettlesome" and "vitriolic", seeing as these words reappear very often in his parts. 

We are also treated to this piece of homoerotica: 

Upon arrival back to the chapter's battle barge, Quintus also noticed the air of longing from Brother-Sergeant Seo, as if he had missed out on a great trial to prove himself.  

WalkingMaelstrom seems to also have picked up on the head-scratchingly strange paragraphing that Torture-Device was prone to, and it does nothing for my reading experience. 

Dinotus is thus ordered by Quintus to collect the entire Librarium and get to do what Librarians do best: study and find information, in this case deeper knowledge about Lady Tina Fey and the Flawless Host warband. You would think they had already done this, mind. Cailean is not allowed to join them, however. He is to spend his time meditating and resting. I can partly agree with this course of action, but it still baffles me that Cailean has not received any kind of punishment for outright murdering important prisoners? 

It is good to know that Dinotus at least recognises that Cailean has the mind of a twelve-year-old:

"Two-hundred and fifty years running and he is still a young one in mind, my good friend.  That is a testament to his strength." 

Well, apart from claiming it is a source of strength, then. It is not. Cailean is an immature brat, you just said it yourself, Dinotus! How is this a source of strength? Never explained.

The scene then shifts to Seo's squad with Apothecary Haruch, Verdius (still no consensus reached on whether this is how his name is spelled) and the new man: Lope Angelico, being bitter over Cailean being rebuked by a Lord Inquisitor for his unorthodox manner. The scene is muted, and some parts even approach good writing, but it is all for naught, as it feels jumbled in a temporal way. They are talking about something which, as far as I can tell, happened long ago, but they make it sound like it happened last week. And although Lope has an amazingly silly name and is a mole, he brings some sense to the scene by bluntly asking: 

"This defense for a man who nearly broke your jaw for merely questioning the brutal killing of two suspects?"

But people are not allowed to make sense in this series, seeing as Space Marines act like sullen and petulant children more often than not here. Verdius, the dumb fuck, rises to the obvious bait, only to be verbally slapped around by Sergreant Seo, who then proceeds to reprimand Lope as well, in the most contrived manner possible: 

"The Epistolary and I have been friends since our youths, and if you are looking for a physical retaliation to continued verbal jabs, then you'll get them from me."

Am I the only one getting the feeling that WalkingMaelstrom seems to think Space Marine squads work like squads of ninjas in Naruto? Wait... don't tell me that... No! NO! Lope Angelico is supposed to be Sai with facial hair! FUCK!

Next he'll be asking to see your penis, Cailean.

The scene peters out with Apothecary Haruch saying he will go study to find out more about the Sick Six, but not before some heavy-handed foreshadowing is dropped on poor Lope's shoulders in that Cailean has a terrible temper and he should be careful about that. THUMP! That was the sound of a plot-point dropping.

Minutes that felt like hours passed.

This is everything in that paragraph. Why it is there, fuck knows, like so many other things in this series. Those minutes were apparently some further dialogue between Seo and his squad, with Verdius background actually being delivered to us in an info-dump that felt pertinent, revealing his relationship with Cailean and why he's fine with being literally slapped around by the Epistolary. It's not good, mind you, but at least it shows us some characterization.

We then get a flashback, completely in italics, from nowhere, really. In it we learn of Seo's getting to know Cailean as young initiates to the chapter. We also learn that initates don't get much food, as their muscles are thin (strange, considering the massive amounts of energy needed to grow a human into a Space Marine) and that psykers are tolerated but shunned. Young Cailean has a codicier handler to watch over him, but it is still strange that he is allowed to take his puny meal together with the other boys. 

Another problem is the following:

"I don't really care.  Would it not benefit us to know each other?  Back where I came from, life and death depended upon your allies."

What children talk like this?

With the words "So long ago." we switch then from the Imperial Paladins to go back in a flash to the Sick Six on board their pink dildo ship. There, Zekkel is looking for Torturer, who it would seem is off sulking, again! He comes across Malexis, and it is obvious the Techmarine cum Apothercary doesn't care much for the dark apostle. Holy shit! Is this...? Yes, character interaction and development!

It is not much, but hey, I take what I can get!

Malexis agrees to help Zekkel find Torturer and get him in better spirits.

Torturer is sitting in meditation, alone, thinking of how to get at Cailean, about whom Torturer has this reflection: 

And even then, the Librarian fought like a man possessed.

THUMP! That was the sound of another plot-point. And further foreshadowing.

Torturer's meditation chambers are however befitting a slave to She Who Thirsts, as it is full of noise and smells, which makes this line even more puzzling than it should be: 

Then came the distinct sound of blades emerging. 

Torturer at first thinks it is the Wych Aeseryth, but it is not. It is a human female, who seems very eager to ride some Astartes cock, seeing as she is sending out the signals "I am hornier than a mountain goat, do me now!". Her name is Cath. Though, instead of sex, Torturer launches into a flashback of how his warband came in possession of this woman. 

Cath…lovely, seductive, and sensually deadly Cath.  She was once an able and proudly fighting PDF sergeant upon her home world and a rare sight of beauty amongst her peers.  Her company was one of the toughest out there and she had garnered accolades for her efforts in putting down insurrections in the past.  However, as years went by since she was inducted as a teenager, her thoughts and experiences with the haughty nobles of the Imperium had horrendously soured her demeanor.  Once while putting down a rumored Dark Mechanicus cult that had unleashed daemonic machinery, the nobles there had the gall to not only exploit the refugees but also take possession of everything once it was brutally put down.  Her own platoon sergeant, a brusque and burly woman whom she swore was more a man, would also beat her regularly should she slip at all.  As years passed she got sick of it all.  Dark thoughts and whispers of the once-suppressed emotions infiltrated her soul.  She wanted out, but she knew it'd mean certain death.  She needed a spark.

Torturer was that spark.

And that is just the beginning of the flashback.

Cath is, apart from being author-fellatio in a tin, a Mary-Sue, with a past of having trouble with the Imperial nobility, something that is becoming a bit of a theme in these stories: having issues with authority, as if the authors of it have the minds of teenagers and are angry at their parents and this is some strange way of getting back at them.

Apparently Cath eventually rebelled against the Imperium as Torturer's warband raided her home world, standing in front of him and offering her the dead corpse of her sergeant for him to violate six ways from Sunday. Delightful though this is, it would seem Torturer decided to do this in the middle of a skirmish to take a garrison, and Cath just stood there dumbly watching him raping the corpse. And neither of them were shot by those still loyal? 

The flashback ends and we're back in the present. 

Cath seems to have the mind of an eight-year-old, though, so some damage must've been done to her brain during the stasis that mortals are kept in for no apparent reason on the Engine of Obscenity.

"It is some lapdog Astartes, isn't it?  Please tell me of him!  I'll kill him myself for you, Lord!  He is likely haughty and blind with pride!  He could be easy prey for me!"

Her enthusiasm is almost infectuous. Sadly, so is her stupidity. Torturer realizes this and takes her out of that mindset by describing what Cailean should've done with him in the very first part of this series, if I may say so myself. 

We're also reminded that the Shadowbone (the thought of that hurts my head) still exists, and Cath seems to think that Slaaneshii servants are noble. Torturer is smart enough to not agree with this unspeakably naïve thinking, to his credit. 

The scene ends with Torturer suggesting meditation in the noisy, smelly, blood dripping halls, but Cath has other ideas as she undresses and sits on his lap. 

End scene, thank the Muses.

But this part is far from done, Lords and Ladies! Did you think your suffering was over? No, far from. 

Because we have to see what happened to Inquisitor Tina Fey. Remember where we left her? Yeah, so we pick up the next scene with her in Inquisitorial captivity. 

She hasn't got much to do, so we get a recap of the events of two parts hence. Unnecessary as far as I'm concerned because there is no way in hell I would ever forget that. But it seems that WalkingMaelstrom is under the misconception that good writing means reiterating the same thing over and over, hammering it into people's heads like a stubborn nail. This gets even weirder when you consider the fact that both Torture-Device and WalkingMaelstrom are very reticent with words and information as soon as it means something that could actually advance the readers' knowledge of what the flying fuck in going on.

To put it another way: they pad out parts that don't need any padding, and leave the reader floundering for knowledge in parts that could be expanded upon. The message it sends is that our two authors have no idea where this story is going, have no over-arching plot and literally just make things up as they go along. 

So we get paragraphs like this: 

Those words chilled her to the bone, unable to fully accept that it was she who said that to that fiend.  She knew it.  She had capitulated.  She resigned herself to her base fears.  She went along with Torturer's desires in the fear of becoming a mutilated plaything with makeshift orifices to have one's way with.  She saw the utter excitement in the warped Techmarine's face displaying his handiwork.  The fear paralyzed her too much.  She wanted to vomit the second she saw the Noise Raptor grin from ear to ear with jagged teeth manifested by the mask.

 Nevermind the awful fact that nearly every single sentence starts with the word "she".

Oh for such poetry in this. 

Inquisitor Tina cares for her comrades too, wondering what has happened to them. But most of all, she is worried about Moerchen. 

Tears were pressing themselves to leave her eyes upon the possibilities of just what the psyker did to the daemon and to the chaplain.  The likelihood of possession and surviving such ordeals, especially against Space Marines, was quite slim.  She wanted to cling to hope though, but hope was becoming an ever-snapping rope that she dangled off of.  Every time she tried to hold, each possibility was like a small fiber snapping.  She knew her ultimate fate was soon to be determined.

What the fuck is an "ever-snapping rope"? 

As Lady Tina is dragged to another round of questioning, she conveniently passes Lieutenant Xin, who's being led back to her cell, and the two are allowed to talk, as it take a while for the guards to whack Xin over the head to shut up, but Inquisitor Tina learns that Moerchen is still alive, and some about the Eldar involved. 

Tina strode forward.  In the matter of less than a minute, a broken and weary woman had suddenly found confidence.  The one man that mattered more to her save for the Emperor Himself lives.  She had no reason to fear now, for hope had returned, as he would one day to her embrace.

With a heavy rush of faith restored, she no longer feared what lied ahead.  For as long as he lived, so would she.

See, Lord Vect and I weren't lying when we said that every single woman in this story is there solely to be little satellites around the beefcake men, their entire lives revolving around the males. Why? Because they are women. This has gone beyond the sexism of manga such as Naruto and into a completely different country of misogyny. My guess: Afghanistan before the Talibans were driven out.

We then switch scenes to Cailean, our last stop for this part. He is sitting in his private chambers, thinking about what has just happened. And one of those thoughts is that a chapter master's orders apparently are "wishes" that can be brokered. How are these people soldiers again? 

Cailean goes into meditation, as ordered, and in his recollection of events, he starts having conversations with... something... in his head. 

"They plot against you…they fear your power."

"What?!?"

"You are strong, very strong. You possess great power and it is continuously held back!  Look towards your ranks for your demise!  You could have easily destroyed Torturer and his pathetic allies, yet you did nothing and watched Ashur be butchered.  Where is his helmet, Cailean?  Where is his helmet to lay to rest with his bones?  Did it become lost?"

"No…"

"Oh yes…yessssssss.  You must find that traitor.  You must rip his mask off and feed it to the empty socket he'd call a mouth.  You must pluck his eyes out and stick them upon the spikes of his armor!  Rip his comrades in half!  Release your anger upon them!"

"What…what is this?!?"

I call daemon. 

"KILL!  BURN THEIR BODIES TO ASH, CAILEAN!  YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK WHEN YOU CAN DO SO MUCH MORE!"

Yeah, definitely daemonic. My guess would be Khornate, but that does not sit well with Cailean being a psyker. And the hysterical ALL CAPS is back. Nearly a chapter with only the odd burst and here we go again. Some people never learn. 

The screaming reached the very center of his cortex, making him grasp his head in agony.  "DESTROY THEM ALL!  YOU MUST DO THIS AND KILL THE TRAITOR!  COAT YOURSELF IN HIS BLOOD AND HANG HIS HEAD FOR YOUR COMRADES TO SEE!  THE EMPEROR DEMANDS IT OF YOU, CAILEAN!  DO IT!"

"Nnnnnnnahhhhhhhhhhh!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.  The voices continued to rant, scream, beckon, and wail.  When would it end?  "Stop!  Stop thinking this way, Cailean!" He screamed to himself to form some discipline, fighting every square inch of his personal temptations.  His anger had manifested itself into his dreams and for the first time in a while he was perturbed.

Perturbed? Is that all you are? I know Space Marines know no fear, but really now? Cailean is learned enough to be able to note potential daemonic possession, it is what he has been trained to be on the lookout for in new recruits, has he not? Why the fuck doesn't he recognize the taint within himself then? Sheer fucking inability? Or is he just that dumb? 

Cailean's waking nightmare is interrupted by a woman's voice, obviously his mother. He gets up, covered in blood from seemingly nowhere, and walks over to a potted plant on his desk, stroking the glass container it is under lovingly, never mind that if it was hermetically sealed, the plant would've died long ago. 

Can't possibly be a reference to any movie can it?

"Dear Emperor…what's…what's happening…to me?"

You're possessed, you dumb fuck. 

And with Cailean sitting down in prayer, part 1 of Rumination ends. 

---------- 

Dark Muses alive is this a dull, fucking part! 

You'd think that after the last part, despite the headscratchingly contrived manner in which the so-called Shadowbone was created, at least we had a semblance of a plot line started. I don't care if it was 10 parts into a 30+ part series of fanfics and that it is a thinly veiled attempt to cover this being anything but a galactic dick-waving competition. It was a plot, or at least resembled something akin to a plot. 

The title Rumination is apt, but not in the sense "inner reflections", which I think is what WalkingMaelstrom aimed for. It fits in the sense "mastication done by cows". Because what little we had in terms of plot grinds to a halt, as we are still introduced to new characters, without the previous ones having been that well defined to begin with. This will only end in complete and utter confusion, as if that was not immediately obvious. 

Even worse is that WalkingMaelstrom continues to reference Naruto, shoehorning the manga into the 40k universe. There's Lope, who is the obvious Sai of Cailean's group, and Cailean has gotten even closer to Naruto himself, in that he now seems to sport something akin to the Kyuubi/Nine-tails demon inside him. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that? And Torturer reminds me more and more of Orochimaru. Apart from the black hair of the manga character, they look very much alike, don't they?

Esteemed nobles of the Commorragh book club, this has gone beyond being plain awful fan-fiction (there is a lot of that) to being fascinating. It is like a traffic accident happening before your eyes, you just can't look away. You keep watching because some sick, twisted part of you wants to know what depths these two manchildren will plumb next.

With that, I leave you once again to the tender mercies of Lord Vect. I hope he appreciates that he gets the shorter half of a part that could as well have been named "Mastication". 

//L//

Distraction, pt. 1 and final

In which the undefeatable Supreme... Overlord... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

Story: Distraction, pt. 1 and final
Author: Torture-Device

Ladies and gentlemen, Distraction, pt. 1 and final (this is the actual title of the chapter as written on DA) features the very first shred of plot we have seen in the last 10 parts.

That's a significant problem.

Distraction is also the most excruciating sample of bad, broken, jumbled English trying to pass itself off as Frank Herbert we possibly shall ever see.

That's even worse!

This is going to be quite the ride.

Distraction, pt. 1 and final manages to be one of the the longest chapters I've seen yet (I suspect we'll be making that comment many times over in the course of this series), containing nothing but bad quantities of overexplanation, contradiction and lore-rape.

In fact, the part starts out with a bit of explanation of one of Torturer's servants: an apparent Adeptus Mechanicus magos named Phoeb.

Apart from having a hilariously funny name to say, Phoeb is remarkable for the fact his backstory is a retarded misconstruction of the Martian Priesthood's history.

The legendary mystique of the Priesthood, as Phoeb had learned, was more a myth, than reality. The fabled secrecy of Adeptus Mechanicus, their supposed elevation above the mortals of Imperium, even their autonomy was largely a farce - as well as the unity of their ranks and leaders. The Omnissaih was long forgotten, but the Emperor ruled with an iron fist. His servants, if needed, had burrowed deep into their sanctuary, dictating their rules, putting their needs... or the needs of the so-called "mankind"... far above everything else. Had they become a caricature, a mere shadow of their former selves? Phoeb thought that they did. He was even foolish enough to voice his opinions - and in return get his data slates razed, his workplace defiled, his name dragged through dirt.

The Great Pursuit came to an inglorious end when reality manifested itself in the ugly glory - the Adeptus Mechanicus cared more for abiding by laws and regulations of the Adeptus Terra, rather than for inner integrity, the heritage of Mars.

 So this guy went from being a nice person who builds toasters, to sticking daemons into guns just because he got kicked out of the Adeptus Mechanicus? Not a person of very good character from the get-go, was he?

Anyway, notice the odd language here. "The Great Pursuit" especially. This appears to be a mistranslation of "The Quest for Knowledge", which is what tech-priests (especially explorators) undergo to collect lost technology for the good of the Machine Cult. Be ready, because this mistake becomes a hallmark of this part.

Torture-Device also forgets that Tech-Priests do not worship the Omnissiah at all. They worship the Machine-God. The Omnissiah, according to the tech-priests, is the Emperor, who in turn is the Machine-God's representative in the material realm.

So in other words, with their stressing of a non-material god and prophesizing of His representative come to the realm of the living, tech-priests are post-messianic tech-loving space-jews.

"Time to chop your foreskin off and replace it with titanium!"

But you often hear tech-priests cry out, "praise be to the Omnissiah!" and the like, so I suppose Torture-Device is half-right.

Well, closer to a quarter-right. Tech-priests do indeed sort-of worship the God-Emperor, but definitely not as their god; saying "thank you Omnissiah" is like saying "thank you Jesus". There's a reason the manufactorum voice in Space Marine insists one must "serve the Machine-God" and not the "Omnissiah".

I also have complaints with the fact that it's well-known that the Ecclesiarchy does not fuck with the Adeptus Mechanicus.

The higher Magos rarely expressed any positive attitude towards his handiwork, all too preoccupied with pleasing Fabricators, Lords and a plethora of Ecclesiarchy functioners who more than ready to command and put their foot in any of the processes the Mechanicus conducted.

In fact, the tabletop core rulebook makes a point about this when it tells us the Ecclesiarchy turns a blind eye to the Machine-Cult so that they don't decide to implode the Imperium by shutting down the flow of every single fucking thing that all humanity need to survive.

So, now that we've fully explained how none of this magos's backstory makes any sense, let's move on to the real meat of this chapter. The black, rotten, worm-ridden meat.

Actually, I've decided I won't subject you to the text that comes hereafter. No, rather than waterboard you, I think I'll summarize. There's simply too much that's too painful about this text, and I myself had a hard time pushing through it.

Remember that mistranslation from earlier? Well, it's in full-force when this next part hits. Apart from insistently referring to craftworld eldar as "Asur" (the Warhammer Fantasy term for High Elves, based off the name of the elven/eldar chief god Asuryan) Torture-Device also makes reference to "Skeletal Architects" which are apparently some sort of eldar thing.

What he's really talking about are the bonesingers. You know, the eldar who use their power to shape wraithbone into weapons, armor, buildings and what-not. Sort of the core foundation of the craftworld lifestyle.

While not as bad we also get to hear about the "Eternal Circuit" (I suppose it's like a much more worthless version of the Infinity Circuit) and I'm left wondering how the blazes this guy knows so much about all this. You could say Torturer interrogated his eldar captives, but his crew speaks as though they're intimately familiar with craftworld culture.

So amid all this we are introduced to a whole slew of random out-of-nowhere new space marines who have apparently been living onboard Torturer's flying dildo the entire time. I can see no mention of them coming aboard earlier, which begs the question why the twenty-something space marines on Torturer's crew didn't just jump down together and crump Cailean earlier.

Furthermore, Torture-Device makes use of tacky naming by dividing these new marines into additional groups that spoof the name of Torturer's warband, the "Sick Six". There's now the "Stealth Six" and the "Siege Six" to contend with.

Haha... see, he's a nazi, it's funny. Get it? "Sick Six"? "SS"? Please rape my face.

But anyway. I promised there'd be plot.

So Phoeb has done something highly innovative: he's apparently created an imitation Golden Throne that serves the sole purpose of hooking up with the minds of eldar rape-victims to materialize weapons out of nothing.

Not just any weapons, though. You see, Phoeb has created a new form of matter, one so sinister, so evil, so mind-blowingly evil it can apparently destroy wraithbone like no tomorrow.

Magos-Excommunicate Phoeb has created...

SHADOWBONE.

 

Is that seriously the best you idiots could come up with? Shadowbone? What, were you high when you decided on that?

"Hee hee hee. Hey WalkingMaelstrom."
"Mwee hee hwee, yeah, Torture-Device?"
"Hee hee. We should-- ee hee hee, we should-- ehee hee... we should make a special kind of wraithbone-- eehee!"
"Heh heh yeah, special kind of wraithbone."
"Hee hee. We'll name it-- whoooo! We'll name it SHADOWBONE. How fucking clever is that!?"
"OMG IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME DUDE! MY ARM IS SINKING INTO MY DESK YEAH!"

I'll bite. So let's assume this retarded magos somehow made this wonder-material. How is it he's the one that made the discovery of the almighty SHADOWBONE as opposed to one of the literal millions of other extremely intelligent tech-adepts in the Imperium? Particularly the millions who have better facilities than he does. Didn't the Emperor give serious thought as well to how to deal with eldar? If it's as easy as slapping a bunch of eldar to a chair, why didn't the most intelligent human being in existence, with tens of thousands of years of scientific knowledge, come up with it first?

Show a bit of modesty! This is a stupid idea and I don't see how it concerns anyone. Zekkel, being the idiot he is, insists it is the "bane of [eldar]" so I guess we're meant to assume that they'll, like, blow up a craftworld with it or something equally stupid. They insist they'll make torpedoes out of this SHADOWBONE, but I can picture how that will work out and it involves a whole lot of eldar ships blowing them up in the dead of space.

Well, actually, I suppose this explains the random warlock from earlier. But if Torturer were that significant a threat I'd think Ulthwé would go the route of hunting him with every resource available. More importantly they failed to foresee that Torturer's escapades would go this far. I know for a fact that farseers are much more "farseeing" than that.

I want to now look at the underlying themes at play with this whole shadowbone thing. Enough making fun of the stupid name, because I'm actually going to dive into the maddening waters that are Torture-Device's writing.

Wraithbone is the pinnacle of warp-manipulation in every respect. It's established that the prime reason the craftworld eldar survived the Fall was because the wraithbone that constructed the craftworlds shielded them from the raw power of Slaanesh. Wraithbone simply repels Chaos. This is why Altansar was able to survive unscathed during its thousands of years stuck in the Eye of Terror.

The whole theme of the eldar (not to wank myself off here) is that in all ways they are humanity's betters. A farseer is refined where an Imperial sanctioned psyker is primitive and natural. A farseer calculates where a sorcerer of Tzeentch prays and sacrifices to fickle powers. In fact, even amid humanity's Golden Age it's clear the eldar were still the masters of the galaxy. Their flaw as a race is that they royally wrecked themselves with the birth of She Who Thirsts. That's it. Space marines can kill them, but eldar civilians can just as easily kill space marines.

So eldar have already mastered how to make the warp work in a peaceful manner, which is why wraithbone, warp-made-to-matter, doesn't try to murder them.

But what does it mean when Torturer comes along and makes something better than wraithbone by using his brutish methods? It's Torture-Device telling us, "my character is better because I said so!" as he wanks off onto his keyboard. Never mind that he thinks eldar are defenseless weaklings who are easy chattel to be played with. The main problem is that this is the author insisting he's made the guy who can do what everyone else in 40K, every overpowered Special Character Matt Ward has regurgitated in the last half-decade, can't.

Torture-Device insisted off the bat with the creation of Torturer that he is intentionally meant to be a "spesshul snowflaek" character. That's all fine and well. He's made fun of the mind-numblingly stupid trends among the furries on deviantart and how everyone loves to stick their horrendous characters into their favored franchises as the big hero.

So parody is fine and well, and tasteful in its own sick ways. But at 250,000+ words in total for this monster of a series and clear planning all throughout, I am reluctant to say this was ever parody to begin with. He calls it parody to veil the fact that he just wants to do exactly what everyone else has done. All this ends up being is just terrible writing.

I'll make the rest of this brief for your sakes.

This segment with Torturer also revealed a genuine purpose to the Sick Six kidnapping Inquisitor Tina: they plan to use a highly powerful psyker she had imprisoned to produce shadowbone torpedoes for them to use on craftworlds. Again, the problem is that...

Ugh.

Just put the background on what we know about eldar aside and let's look at this logically. Torturer has one ship. If you were to attack one of the only few remaining centers of civilization for an ancient super-advanced people, what do you think you would be fighting? Is Washington D.C. undefended?

No. No government in the history of ever has been dumb enough to keep their capital unprotected and survived for any period of time. Craftworlds are no different. Do you think the craftworlders will just watch a torpedo hit them? Do you think they won't notice your obviously non-eldar ship approaching?

The last ~8 pages of this part are devoted to Epistolary Cailean again, much to our dismay. Really nothing happens, except that we are introduced to the most incredibly stupid and obviously corrupt inquisitor I've read of.

[...] His nails slid down the arms of his seat in the Council, chipping as he dragged his hands down the marble in futile anger.

Like with the most of the high-ranking Malleus functioners, Inquisitor Lord Morran Tenepht X appeared ageless. If anything, the receding hairline and graying strands gave out his true color… but where many Inquisitors have been submitting their bodies to rejuvenating procedures, Tenepht's age had been obscured by the mass of scar tissue covering his face. He sat slumped in his prosthetic exoskeleton, a clunky, brazen machine that supported his legs and lower body. It viciously climbed up his spinal cord and dug in, giving some mobility to his paralyzed limbs. The contraption surprised Cailean, for he had seen much more sophisticated augments – later he learned that the barebone construction was usually covered up with plating and served as a framework to the Lord's powerarmor.

Tenepht gurgled and panted behind the quivering mask of burnt skin.

[...] Tenepht smacked his cracked, inflamed lips and dark blood oozed out.
[...]

The Lord Inquisitor chuckled. A tip of his blackened tongue crawled out of the corner of his mouth, and probed at the oozing blood. Daemon fire burns never healed, but he learned to use that to his advantage.

Look at this guy's description. If this doesn't scream "bad guy" I don't know what does. He's closer in appearance to a haemonculus than he is to any good ordinary inquisitor I've ever heard of.

So Inquisitor Tenepht spends several pages accusing the Imperial Paladins of doing their jobs.

"What happened at Grexx cannot be explained by anything but deliberate sabotage of the Imperial Creed. As far as I understand, Master Quintus, after the rising of the cultist swarm and the battle that took place, the Imperial Paladin forces had been dispatched on the planet and took control over Governor Unellar's Administratum?"

 What kind of Inquisitor complains that Space Marines are combating heresy? I'm sure he complains that the Ultramarines are "sabotaging" the Ecclesiarchy's Imperial Creed, what with how they have an entire part of the Imperium to themselves. Maybe instead of going to the Imperial Paladins and upsetting them, he should have taken a look at things on Grexx first? Seen signs of battle, maybe? Checked for lingering corruption by the presence of fully-manifested daemons?

Torture-Device's spelling breaks down completely here. I see reference to Epsitolaries and Epistorlaries while Tenepht blabbers about the wishes of several Ordos like he's the head of the Inquisition. Nothing comes of it except several pages of pointless arguing.

 ---~~~---

And that's where we stop, because I grow tired and this chapter waxes long.

Last week Torture-Device put up a rant on his deviantart journal. While he is prone to this, this particular rant concerned nerd-rage.

In it, we are treated to this informative paragraph:

Some might attempt to say that I'm a nerd too, based on the fact that I do 40k shit. But many people wondered, why my 40k fancreations are so weird often and why they rile up so many nerds when I piss in their kool-aid? Here's the secret, come closer.... yeah, I have your attention? I NEVER READ A 40K CODEX THROUGH. Not a single one - I got bored. I read bits here and there or consulted an online source on matters. I have no fucking idea how stormbolters work, how many fucks a Sister of Battle is allowed to recieve, or how the Eldar language works. I don't give a single flying, crawling or drowning fuck. There's other stuff to delve deeper into, such as sociology, for example.
More over, as a kid I almost never watched cartoons, because duh - post Soviet Russia. I seen like 3 series of Star Trek and 1 movie in 2009. I like FPS shooters like Halo, and to be honest, I think pen and paper RPGs are lame as fuck. Point is, I'm too lazy to be a nerd even though some things I enjoy border on nerdfag shit.

The sociology bit is ironic, given that I've not heard of a single serious sociologist who hasn't at some point deconstructed racism as a social structure.

Torture-Device is free to like and dislike what he pleases. I don't mind. I've got my own sick, nasty interests. But pot, meet kettle, this guy is in denial here.

Torture-Device has contributed several novels' worth of fan-fiction to the world, not even counting the stuff that is not a part of Rivals Til Death. He does it with a near-religious care, making mounds of elaborate drawings and paintings in honor of his and WalkingMaelstrom's work.

If you want to put that much dedication into explaining why your self-insert character is better than every other thing, don't turn around and mock two Star Wars fans arguing about prequel vs. original trilogy.

I look forward to our next meeting, Kabalites!

- V

Interrogation part 2

In which our mistress gets taught the true meaning of the word excess. 

Story: Interrogation part 2
Author: Torture-Device

That little holiday with Lord Vect was much needed. Where were we? Oh, yes. 

As the good Lord Vect already remarked upon, Torture-Device likes rape. Violent rape.

It is disturbing seeing a mere mon-keigh display such intense interest for something that even in dark eldar society is reserved to a privileged few. It gets even more disturbing when you realize that Cailean and Torturer aren't the only self-insert characters present in this "epic saga". Apart from hangers on to Cailean and Torturer and what can only be described as one-off characters, all the others characters present belong to other members of DevianTART.

Yes, you read that right. Moerchen, Inquisitor Tina, Warlock Devonar and a few others belong to other artists. Their user names are listed in the Artist's Comments of all of the separate parts. We have not remarked on it because of the sheer amount of insanity Lord Vect and I have had to deal with.

But about Inquisitor Tina, because she plays such a huge part in this:

She belongs to an artist named MaKo85, who also happens to be named Tina, if the frontpage of her DevianTART is to be believed. Her style is cartoony, with a fair amount of fan-service, pretty decent anatomy but completely lacking in depth and perspective, for the record. She is unremarkable as far as artists on that website go and the only reason she is remotely popular is no doubt derived from the fact that she is a girl artist who draws boobs and asses willingly to please the predominantly male fandom. At the same time, I cannot bring myself to be too dismissive of her, because she has the good taste to be fascinated with our fair species, Lords and Ladies of the Dark City. You don't often see that in mere humans.

She has also been kind enough to provide a reference sheet for the Lady Inquisitor, which was easily found by sifting through her galleries.

So far, so standard

Apart from the picture being a bit of an info-dump, we get to know that Inquisitor Tina is actually named Amalthea Firenze, that she is a pariah and not a mere untouchable and that she bears a striking resemblance, physically, to her creator.

It is not farfetched guess to think that MaKo85 intended to use the Lady Inquisitor as a self-insert character, perhaps intended for role-playing games, perhaps just for fun.

Bear this in mind as we proceed with recapping this part, because I am pretty certain that Torture-Device did not ask for permission to do the following. 

The second part of Interrogation begins with Torturer being jumped from above by an attack that is revealed to be the dark eldar mentioned way back in Prelude to the Rapture part 1. I won't be mad at you if you don't remember her, because back then she had no name, as WalkingMaelstrom just threw her in and Torture-Device only later decided she needed a name and backstory. 

Aseryth L'Hyel descended upon her target swiftly, as a leaf caught by wind and ripped of a tree branch. In her fall from the Bibliarum dome, she had time to twist and turn her lithe body and find the perfect position for the strike. The wyches scrap-made whip uncoiled itself, the numerous tails curving as she lashed out with it. In another hand she'd readied a ferrocrite splinter, sharp enough to pierce even the hardened, dense Astartes flesh if the appropriate force and angle were applied. Of course, such primitive tools left much more to desire, they couldn't match up with her hydraknive or the Punisher, but, she knew how to use even the barbaric weapons to her advantage. It was, after all, a merit by which her skill was measured. 

 I have a few issues with this, young lady.

You are attacking an Astartes, a confirmed psyker, from above and you let gravity alone do the job instead of springing against him with as much force as possible?

And why a whip? I can understand if you are familiar with the agoniser, but right here it makes little tactical sense.

The right place for that ferrocrite shard is the nape of Torturer's neck. Nothing else. Even Astartes are remarkably easy to kill when you strike them there. 

And punishers? Really? Honey, they went out of fashion a long time ago. They were replaced by klaives. That is quite apart from the fact they were never used in the Arenas, but were reserved for the incubi. Besides, if you are so skilled, the "ferrocrite" shard should be more than enough. 

Does she succeed?

Nope.

It turns out she is supposed to be locked up, but was turned loose by Razorwire (what a surprise!) and that this was something along the lines of the 30th attempt on Torturer's life that she has made. What a useless piece of meat she is.

That is followed by this:

Aseryth pursed her lips, now bluish as blood rushed to her face. Torturer wiped a trail of blood from the corner of her mouth. The xeno witch always brought him much joy, her alien mind both indecipherable yet sometimes so simplistically straightforward in her urges. She was a feast for the eyes - the dispersing shadow, oily slick, but angular, each jutting bone like a concealed weapon beneath the pale, wraith-like skin. 

I don't know if Torture-Device misspelled wych into witch, or if he is actively implying that Aseryth has psychic powers. Of course, every dark eldar has some level of psychic ability, but never enough to manifest in any way. That is something that gets you swiftly killed in the Dark City.

And what does Aseryth actually look like?

I am drawing a blank on what that gun is supposed to be or how it is supposed to work.

How is that any level of pretty? Her ribs are jutting out like knives? Is this one of those perversions of perception that are so typical of the servants of She Who Thirsts? So many questions, so few answers.

As mentioned, Torturer subdues her and then proceeds to do this: 

Torturer rudely pulled her closer, swiped the ruffled strands of her hair back, revealing an intricate scar mark spread all over the base of her skull. Morphing his mask, he lolled out his tongue and licked the marking, allowing it to liven up and pulse in response. Aseryth's body tensed, and as if an invisible, immaterial guillotine suddenly separated her mind from the flesh – now, everything below the neck was in control of another being. 

That is basically what happens. Mercifully, we are spared this, but instead get an info-dump size large on Aseryth's background because showing instead of telling people bold-facedly about a character is for chumps in the world of Rivals Til Death. 

It wasn't the first time the wych tried to assassinate her slaver. For a Kabalite warrior- 

Wait wait wait. 

Aseryth is a wych, correct? She would then have been a member of a Wych Cult, not a Kabal. 

Considering Torture-Device did not get the information about punishers being an incubi-weapon right, why am I even surprised? 

Despite the lengthy info-dump about Aseryth's origins, I am glad it is there, because we are, as mentioned, spared what would otherwise have been an exceedingly lengthy rape-scene. 

"It's the Inquisitor." She said when hours later the Raptor, satisfied and tired, let her crawl away from him. Curling up at his feet, she idly clicked her fingers, trying to return warmth and dexterity to them after all her body had assumed positions not quite fit for live beings. "I want her." 

This leads to some chatting between Torturer and Aseryth, as if him raping her for hours is no big deal and it's just a thing he does. Like begrudging a canine for licking its own balls. 

The scene then shifts. 

Red water was pouring from Torturer's hands. He idly observed as it washed down the dried crimson from his skin. He then methodically repeated the same process with an assortment of blades and catheters, after which arranging them neatly on a tray. Without looking back to his prisoner, he spoke softly.  

"Now that we're through with this, Lady, it's time for the questions, as I initially promised."

He turned to the Inquisitor, her twitching, bloodied body and sighed. He forgot about the pain amp. Unclipping the injector from his belt, he swapped a vial, and, holding the thrashing woman on the stretcher by her face, managed to get a clean shot at her jugular. 

I don't know about you people, but part of me is glad we were spared that torture scene too. It does seem like Torturer is about as forgetful as ever though. 

It is also implied in this, and the previous scene with Aseryth, that Torturer is not wearing his armor while on board the flying pink dildo-ship. Why, I have no fucking clue. Maybe he likes the draft around his nether regions? 

Lastly; injections don't work that way. Injecting something into someone's jugular artery should either kill them or be very hard. I'm voting for the former. 

What then follows is the reason this chapter is roundabout 20 pages long in my printout version. Seven fucking pages of Torturer and Inquisitor Tina exchanging banter and trying to outwit each other. In the hands of any other writer, it would have been tense and sweaty. 

Here, it is only dreary and drawn-out to a ridiculous length. 

 She looked up at him. This was where the real trial started. The moment for which she readied herself and braced, when her will and devotion would be put to the test. Torturer must have wanted something very specific to allow her regain consciousness, to be transformed back from the screaming and thrashing woman into her real self, allow the body to be inhabited by her mind again. Some part of her told her that the Raptor was afraid of that mind, but now, as he slowly paced back and forth it was too hard to tell. 

This is just an example, early on, to show how it goes. Torture-Device keeps stating and re-stating the obvious over and over, padding the scene out as if the letters were down and the story a pillow. 

What we learn is that Torturer is looking for a Beta-level psyker named Rael Haask, that this guy is kept in a high-security Inquisitorial prison-base and that Inquisitor Tina has codes to this place. And that Torturer commands some ten Astartes. 

This takes, as mentioned, seven pages to explain. I'm not talking about mood-building. I am all for that, dearies. But this crosses the boundaries of mood-building and goes into excessive padding. It doesn't help the case that at this point Torture-Device's already spotty English deteriorates further, with run-on sentences starting to become the norm.

And for those of you who still thought that Inquisitor Tina is strong and independent for standing up to Torturer... think again.

"Afraid that he'll come back and ruin it all for you?" Tina feverishly rasped, as she bucked and jerked suddenly. "Once he already did, then why not the second time? After all, you don't learn, warpslave." 

Tina is referring to Moerchen, which makes Torturer initially flip his shit and then point and laugh at her for thinking that the chaplain will come and rescue her like a knight in shining armour. I can agree.

This might not at first glance seem as so very needy of her but trust me, it will get worse as we proceed with these stories. Every single woman in this series, as Lord Vect so delightfully pointed out, exist solely to gawk at the beef-cake men.

Every. Single. One.

You think I am joking?

You wait, dearies. You just wait.

Torturer does calm down a bit, but not before we're given this:

Torturer felt the blood in his veins turn to ice. But he was experienced in dealing with disappointment, and in a few seconds, long seconds in which he considered just destroying the Inquisitor on the spot, calmed down. He's not going to show that her knowledge matters everything, so he shrugged comically.

So, Torturer is experienced in dealing with disappointment? Meaning he is a loser, then? And how does one shrug comically? See what I mean with rapidly deteriorating English?

Torturer's "interrogation" of Inquisitor Tina continues, and he soon realises (after another few pages) that he is getting nowhere. He has called for Malexis.

And what does Space Insano bring? The Lady Inquisitor thinks it's a servitor at first, but...

The thing was human. Paritally. It had been a limbless female torso, crudely affixed on a pair of primitive bare cybernetic steppers similar to Torturer's with the metal frames driven directly into the inflammated and puffed up flesh of her thighs right at the joint. At some places, at her abdomen and around her amputated arms, the machinery that kept her back rigid and her genitals obscenely thrust out, broke through the flesh and stuck out, forming a cylindrical cache running along her spine. It was used to hold a brightly colored container which was connected to numerous catheters – some feeding unknown liquids right into her nipples, others injected to the ports at the back of the creature's shaved head.

Tina saw the healing stitches where the woman's arms once were, the crust of puss around the long stitched slit running along her stomach. The thing's mouth was held open by a grisly contraption, and she noticed, witha twinge of pain in her own jaws, the glistening bare gums, now devoid of teeth. 

It didn't take her much time to figure what the thing had been used for. But as she kept gazing in stupefied terror at the hapless thing, she suddenly crossed eyes with it – and let out a chocked gasp. 

The creature was no servitor. It hadn't been mercifully lobotomized. No, those gray eyes screamed silently, all too aware of what is going on, of itself. Tina had never seen the warp, but after she looked into the eyes of the mutilated girl, she was certain that whatever hell might be there – all fit into the head, the mind of this suffering, shaking and drooling slave- toy. 

Torturer obviously noticed that mute sharing of experience between the two, and his pupils turned nearly hair thin in delight. 

It is a creation worthy of Urien Rakarth. I just can't shake the feeling that Torture-Device wrote this section one-handed. Considering the vast amounts of rape and violence, targeted against women, going on in his gallery; considering that the man is a self-acclaimed fan of ero-guro, it is not beyond reasonable that he fapped to this.

I would have been fine, but creeped out, with this alone, but our intrepid Russian decides to drag it out for another 3 pages, having Torturer and Malexis taunt and threaten Lady Inquisitor Tina with this fate all the while.

Remember also that Inquisitor Tina is not Torture-Device's creation, but MaKo85's.

Considering she must have consented to our two authors' endeavour in using her character, how did she react to seeing this happening to her self-insert?

Seriously tho, story or not, I'm not gonna get giddy over having my character tortured. 

A sentiment one can agree with. Torture-Device replied with a large block of text about how it is not all going to be sunshine and cupcakes in the world of Warhammer 40'000, and although he has a point, the trouble is that it happened to someone else's character, and I am pretty damn certain he did not ask for permission to do this.

Here's a fun little question you can entertain yourselves with:

If the Lady Inquisitor Tina (I will continue to call her that, as that is what they name her in the story) had instead been Lord Inquisitor Tim, would he
a) have been holding out for some brave Space Marine or Sister of Battle to come save him? And
b) would he have been threatened with being turned into a sex-doll by the slaves of She Who Thirsts?

Knowing our two misogynistic authors, my answer to both questions would be a resounding no, because
a) he's a MAN! And
b) that'd be gay.

It makes me wonder what another artist, TyrantWache, thought of what WalkingMaelstrom did to Chaplain Moerchen. TyrantWache is also a female artist, I should mention.

Remember though, that Torturer wants information from the Lady Inquisitor and if he turns her into a sex-slave doll, he's not going to get it. So, the terrified Inquisitor, after 3 pages of deliberation, finally caves in and decides to give Torturer the codes to the prison facility.

In return, he releases her, unharmed.

Why?

Then, mid-sentence, the paradoxical cruelty of Torturer's offer dawned upon her. She imagined herself, contacting the nearest Ordo detachment – bloodied, covered in scars, with traces of heretical drugs contaminatingher bloodstream. She imagined telling Sobek and other Lords how a Chaos Raptor, of all creatures, let her free from the deck of his ship... What would they think? It was inexplicable, unimaginable. Inquisitors don't go free from the clutches of heretical murderers – unless they themselves become their agents. The Inquisitor has no chance of seeing the daylight when captured by the archenemy, so how would she explain it? How would she make them believe her, convince that she escaped, and not sent in as a spy, corrupted and turncoat? She could see the trial already, herself burning at the stake under the accusing glares of her ex- colleagues: their eyes cold, condemning, reeking of disappointment and betrayal. 

That's what Torturer wants, she thought, he wants me to be a Cassandra of the old Terran legend. He wants me to warn the Inquisition of his plans, but know how they'll refute them whilst I get checked, tried in the High Court, blamed, sentenced and maybe even executed. 

One thing that has not changed throughout this entire part, and that is fast becoming a hallmark of Torture-Device's writing is his ability to keep stating the fucking obvious.

Later, Torturer watched as the dark speck of the disposable shuttle that was launched from the Engine of Obscenity, glowed red against the bright blue atmosphere of the planet they hovered over on orbit. The titanic disc blotted out most of the view from the command room, and soon it swallowed the shuttle, not a trace left as it descended lower. He chose a low civilized world on the rim of the Obscurus, one with planetary defense too primitive and scattered to pose a threat. He licked his artificial jaws. 

"Shamefully our rendezvous was way too quick for my liking, Inquisitor. Your pain had been the most enjoyable... But this outcome will bring you more pain, more torment that I with my instruments can deliver to that defiant personality of yours. Too bad you don't know how high of a price I would've paid to watch you go through what's coming up. I guess that would make up for it all." 

And that is how this amazingly fucked up part ends. It does leave me with even more questions, such as:

• How often is a "low civilized" world visited by Imperial officials, if it doesn't even have a decent Orbital Defence Force? 
• Considering the lack of ODF, what are the odds that the planet has communications facilities for her to regain contact with Imperial authorities? 
• How long was Lady Inquisitor Tina captive, by the way? There is no indicator of time, any where. 

_________________________________

Everything in this chapter is excessive. The length. The telling of obvious fucking details. The mind-rape.

Every-fucking-thing.

The part could easily have been half as long and just as effective. As it stands, it is just drawn out money-shots with horrible English.

I took a look at the Artist's Comments for this part as well. I found this:

Text is raw, will fix after more parts are uploaded. This story is written in a more dynamic, action-prose style. 

Lies. Lies and slander. The text is still raw, it has not been fixed in the nearly one and a half years it has been up, and it is not dynamic and "action-prose" in its style.

It is clunky, excessive and slow!

I leave you to the tender mercies of Lord Vect, as I once again take to the Arenas. That holiday brought in a nice new slew of Space Marines. I intend to put them through the paces.

Stay sharp, dearies!

//L//

Interrogation pt. 1

In which the unwavering Supreme Overlord witnesses the foulest acts of depravity he has seen from space marines yet...

Story: Interrogation part 1
Author: Torture-Device

Torture-Device is quite like a Russian version of that one bad man in Mel Brooks's Blazing Saddles.

He likes rape. He likes rape a lot.

Quite a lot of Torture-Device's artwork centers around rape, actually; rape and the denigration of the opposite sex. A walk through his gallery is a tantalizing exploration of gory breasts and savagely violated slits both natural and man-made.

Therefore, it only makes sense that Torturer be a projection of his fetishes.

And you'll recall that Torturer currently has the Lady Inquisitor in captivity.

I like where this is going.

The wait was maddening.

Actually, this perfectly describes the entirety of this part. It is absolutely maddening how long we wait for anything at all to occur. The pacing falls off the edge of the world to places I cannot accurately describe.

But Interrogation, pt. 1 starts off with Inquisitor Tina sitting in a cell waiting to be raped viciously and repeatedly by her degenerate host. The entire time she sits there, she is also wordily reflecting (with no regard for grammar) on how hopeless her situation is.

Then Torturer shows up.

Oh, YES, Dad!

 He is, apparently naked, which drums up a large quantity of unpleasant imagery. Malexis has come with him, and together the two begin to harass and tease the inquisitor.

It should be noted that suddenly Torturer becomes highly refined in the way he speaks, as does Malexis, and the two begin discussing etiquette. Somewhere along the lines, Malexis apparently has a heart-attack:

"My Lord, you really have no idea of etiquette. I can vouch that our noble Inquisitor is used to the most he-eeeh, refined customs."

So this continues for a while and we get a description of Torturer's naked, shriveled corpse-like form. Torture-Device appears to have taken a stance on the eternal debate of whether or not Space Marines have penises.

Guess where he stands.

In the midst of Torturer's bodily description (possibly as a result of "simbionite"), my word processor alerted me that there were "too many errors to process in the document" and promptly closed itself, and while this was an unfortunate occurrence the next scene had a far worse effect on my person.

It seems Torture-Device is padding this down as much as he possibly can in some desperate effort to lengthen our suffering, going so far as to give us a detailed description of Moerchen's "tough, battle hardened skin" that leaves me wondering when the sex flashback happens.

After that, however, we move from the frying pan to the blast furnace.

"When I just joined the Host, I voluntarily subjected myself to some ah… experiments? I needed it, to prove my devotion to the cause. Can you guess what they were?"

"They experimented on your cock!"

Back on the topic of your bad English.

"You shouldn't ask such dirty questions, my Lord… She's young, and innocent. Well, not so young, but juvenant sometimes works on the soul too…"

"But she has no soul, quite pitifully – I'm sure it would have complimented her body, twisting them into the perfect amalgam of womanhood.  Also, the drugs are working flawlessly, Malexis. I can barely feel the null backlash – it's even oddly pleasing, this discomfort.  Anyway. We always have problem, numbers! Not enough people to carry the will of the Gods. We tried… we tried to see if it were able to transfer the geneseed in a natural way."

Torturer let out a short chuckle and shook his head, evidently bemused at the recollection of his own naiveté.

"We wanted to see if it was possible to rewrite the geneseed code right into a infant, a fetus. If we – and I too – could make a woman bear a child, pass on our genes. If we could impregnate women with babies that would be true Astartes from the start. But we failed in that."

We shall simply have to start speaking only in memes here-on out.

"Sure, we violated many strong, beautiful women. But the things that were born – oh, heh, they quite differed from Astartes. And people. They came to the light through gnawing their mothers' wombs and then dying from constant hunger. Such a joyous sight, to see them crawl out of the bloody gashes…"

Torturers eyes glazed over as he'd given himself off to the memories.

 What the flying fuck did I just read? I suppose the action itself isn't breaking canon or anything since they experimented to be able to do that, but space marines/impregnation/child-development/birthing do not work that way!

Anyway, Inquisitor Tina informs Torturer at this point she is sterile to begin with. But if she's sterile, why not just make her non-sterile? I mean, we've established you can apparently make space marines able to create baby space marines with all of their implants despite all of the Emperor's failure to to do just that.

So, Torturer begins interrogating Tina, leaving us to transition to-

There was something off in the air. The minute the young Epistolary walked in the Chamber, Chief Librarian Dinotus sensed a disturbance in his surroundings. It wasn't anything particularly threatening or dark, but the moment Cailean bowed down on one knee before him,  Dinotus realized what it was.

Oh fucking hell, we're back to Cailean.

Dinotus (the pedophile of a chief librarian, recall) begins to try to access the epistolary's mood, but Cailean refuses to submit to his psychic bad-touch.

Surely, Dinotus could've broke through it like a Dreadnought through an unarmed croud, smashing all the defenses, but… It would do more harm, traumatize the mind of the Epistolary even more. There were already cracks in that wall, and Dinotus felt the bitterness that seeped out of them.

 You mean to tell me that the chief librarian of this chapter acknowledges Cailean has serious problems? You don't just let him live, then! Space marines should be immune to trauma, if they begin suffering from it then that means the hypnodoctrination process is not working.

Dinotus questions whether Cailean is coping with these bad feelings or not, but Cailean dismisses it and inwardly says, (no joke) "You weren't there!"

So despite the awkwardly tense situation broken up by more poor grammar, the two go for a walk together down a hall of statues to fallen battle brothers.

"What you don't see, is that they are dead because they were defeated." Dinotus pointed out to another statue. "Marcus Nurro, killed by a Carnifex on MacRagge, when we helped the Ultramarines. Not before he'd blown the creature's head off. "

 The only message I really get from this is that Torture-Device thinks Macragge is a Scottish clan name.

There can be only ONE Chief Librarian!

Because Dinotus is too much of a pathetic pussy to fry Cailean's brain, or at least slap his arrogant face around, he instead meekly tries to reason that the Chapter needs to know why he did the things he did. Amusingly, Dinotus also gets away with calling a 250-year-old marine a child.

This goes on for another page, Cailean ranting with such evident insanity it's boggling that he has not been zapped beforehand. Dinotus then finishes the part with this very anti-climactic warning for his babyish student:

"But what you need to realize, is this. If you kill that heretic, and everyone else, your battle brothers, Inquisitiorial henchmen and even the xenos would lie dead as you conduct the Emperor's punishment upon that abomination – it wouldn't be victory."

 ---~~~---

Something has been nagging at me for a long while about these two twisted gentlemen and their stories.

When one looks at the comments of these pieces, at least early-on, they see dozens of "good job!" statements from apparent nobodies, but occasionally completely non-sequitur remarks from apparent friends of the authors (I think these two really insult the term). Lelith and I got to looking at these people, recently, after we got back from our little pleasure trip down the Khaïdes (pleasurable indeed it was, my sweet dancer of death).

Lo and behold, dear Lelith did find something most interesting.

"What, then?" you might ask. That, I reply, is hers to say. I have an appointment with the Fellatio Friends.

Toodles, dear readers!

- V.