Prelude to the Rapture part 1

In which the mistress of the Cult of Strife gets acquainted with a whole host of mon-keigh against her will... 


Story: Prelude to the Rapture part 1 
Author: WalkingMaelstrom 

The Supreme Overlord Vect of the Kabal of the Black Heart did something most unusual today: he disturbed me in my personal training sessions. He did not request my presence in his audience chamber, as customary, but instead demanded I come see him. After casually decapitating my sparring partner, I checked up on him. 

I was met by the sight of Lord Vect straddling a mon-keigh slave, its arms and legs pinned to the immaculate daemonbone floor by four impalers and Lord Vect busy slowly strangling the life out of it, to maximise the agony for the creature. I admit, it was quite erotic. As the thing finally expired, Vect got off the corpse and handed me a flat, crude device that the mon-keigh call a "dataslate". Curious, I keyed it open. 

Shouldn't have done that. 

The first thing that greeted me as I opened the .txt file Lord Vect so helpfully had highlighted for me (you arrogant prick) was the fat and retarded brother of the Great Wall of China in text form. What this massive wall of writing does manage to do is, if not succinctly, recap the events of Vessel of His Wrath (about two sentences) and put it into a wider context (thank you so fucking much!). Paragraphing is obviously not a forte of WalkingMaelstrom as the humongous walls of words words words return to haunt us throughout the chapter. 

It is followed by this: 

"I should've pulled the trigger sooner.  My discipline was weak." 

Cailean, who got away from the duel with Torturer with some lesions and nary a sideways glance in terms of discipline, is apparently angsty over not having done his duty. Thus this deep insight. My immediate reaction was along the lines of: No fucking shit, Sherlock? If any of my wyches performed their duties that badly, I would cut their heads off myself!

Before we continue I want to remark on one thing: Cailean is the stereotypical Mary-Sue. He barely gets punished for his transgression, his idiotic and protracted duel instead reinterpreted as a huge success for the chapter and the Imperium of Man, which apparently killing some mon-keigh cultists of She Who Thirsts and dicking about with one (1) Chaos Marine now is.

After the door to Cailean's cell performs an amazing feat of wrapping in on itself, we are introduced to the Only Sane Man of the Imperial Paladins, Cailean's chapter. Actually, Only Sane Man, period.

His name is Chief Librarian Dinotus. And Cailean has a massive man-crush for him. This happens when Cailean realises who he's... uh... psychically talking to:

He stiffened and arose from his meditative posture. 

Taken wildly out of context, but every single line of dialogue in this thing can be misconstrued as implying men bonking men. Especially dialogue that involves Dinotus, so it is less sagely mentor-type, and more creepy uncle.

Considering Dinotus mentored Cailean since a young age...

Dinotus bears news of a message addressed to Cailean, and the two "clear a path" to the bridge of the strike cruiser they are on to meet with the chapter master, Quintus. Barring the fact, from my experience, that a chapter master would travel on a battle barge and not a mere strike cruiser, there is also the issue with several leading figures of the chapter being present on one small ship. Never mind that Quintus is standing on the bridge with a live power weapon which is "shimmering with pale blue energy" and that he states the obvious. This is also a common trait of WalkingMaelstrom's writing: explaining something that has just been done or said.

Meanwhile, in another part of the Galaxy...

"BY SLAANESH!" 

Torturer is having an orgy. I think he's trying to patch up wounded pride, the poor little thing.

 Combat stims, normally used in the din of battle as the name implied, were continuously injected into Torturer, heightening every sensation he got from them and the females.  "More...more of the powder!"  He screamed to a demonette who brought forth a vial of whitish powder.  She laid it on a small metallic plate and brought it near his nose.  A fierce snort consumed a small pile of it while the wych had another pile of it.  "OH YES!  THAT'S THE STUFF!  OH I FEEL ALIVE!  BRING ME THE FRENZ!"  He further thrust himself into the Eldar who cried out in agony.  She knew she was doomed and could only anguish.  Another demonette brought forth needles of some other form of liquid, more stims of sorts, some from some poor lust slave who had died and now liquefied.  One by one she aggressively pushed them into his arm, pushing the liquids in and watching his arteries and veins pop up from his epidermis.  He continued to ravage his lust slaves and screamed wildly.  "YESSSSS!  MAKE  ME  FEEL  EVERYTHING!"  Human, demonette, and Dark Eldar swarmed his body, fighting wildly to get a feel of even an inch of him.  

There are so many things wrong with this paragraph that I don't even know where to start. Had this been an apprentice in my cult, I would have sunk a blade in their chest to save them the misery. Let's or simplicity's sake begin with the hilarious use of ALL CAPS. If you read the paragraph out loud to yourself, you realise how silly it all sounds.

Secondly is the drug abuse. I stay away from combat drugs myself, because they dull that wonderful moment when life leaves the prey, I mean opponent. But what I do know is that it does not work like that. Mixing ups and downers cannot end well.

Thirdly... female bodies do not work that way, whether they are eldarith or mon-keigh. How many cocks does Torturer have- wait, I actually don't want an answer to that question, seeing as he is a malformed freak-child of She Who Thirsts. Though, I can only scoff at how easily the weakling craftworlder is subdued and that her fate is only befitting them all. That's what happens to you when you deny your own nature for too long, dearie.

There is also music playing in the background of this orgy, the whole coming together to give a picture that reminds me of this:

Eventually the raped eldar gal expires after Torturer fucks her for literally hours. His pet eldarith ynneas slave (you magnificient moron) then proceeds in fucking the corpse, something that puzzles me greatly. Why would she do that? There is no pain to be inflicted and thus nothing to slake the Thirst from that one. Nevermind that she's getting Torturer's sloppy seconds. She's been partaking in the orgy too, she has inflicted pain onto others, has she not? Then why is she not reinvigorated enough to just stick a blade through Torturer's neck? Is she truly that incompetent? Decidedly not one of my girls in the Cult of Strife, more likely to be one of the stimm-junkie sluts of the Cult of Seventh Woe. 

But I have to conclude, that WalkingMaelstrom does not know male anatomy that well. Being able to fuck somebody for hours on end, without coming, does not speak of stamina. It speaks of erectile dysfunction. 

During all this, Torturer's reincarnated demonettes, daemonettes want to kill the mortals to have the slave of She Who Thirsts for themselves (clever beasts). Torturer replies no, as he prefers a "healthy variety". I am only mentioning this because the creator of Torturer is a... rather xenophobic individual, so this becomes quite hilarious when you think about it. 

Torturer is interrupted in his post coitum triste by a call from Lord Eleaxus himself, after having his door wrap in on itself just like Cailean's. And by the Dark Muses is Eleaxus camp! Though he manages to be somewhat threatening and vaguely competent later on. That doesn't make him smart. 

Grexx, a civilized world in the Barca cluster, home to millions of Imperial citizens.  It was noted for its lush, open fields where- 

Wait wait wait. That was a strange shift of scene. It just begins like so! after Eleaxus crows out a "Gooooooooooood...". 

Ah well. 

We are then steadily introduced to Cailean's strike-team that he's taken with him to the planet to meet up with the Lady Inquisitor Tina Fey. There's Brother Sergeant Seo (asian samurai guy), Brother Verdius (young and boisterous), Devastator Ashur (who is the big, stoic, silent type) and Apothecary Haruch (who only speaks succinctly and is very focused on his job). So, four stereotypes, five counting Cailean and his anger management issues. Try to remember them for later. I know I have trouble doing that, them being lesser beings and all. 

During this literal transportation section, we are treated to this gem: 

Cailean stood aside him, walking along the plains, trying to enjoy the tranquility of the open fields before engaging in business most troublesome. 

You cannot stand still and walk at the same time. You. Cannot. Also, I think the word you are looking for is beside... but still!

WalkingMaelstrom has a grasp of Low Gothic resembling that of a blind man's on the niceties of home-decoration. And then I haven't even mentioned the numerous misspellings, all caused from not having bothered to re-read what one has written.

Cailean has also forgotten to inform his battle brethren of why they are even on Grexx:

"That's right...I forgot to tell you.  I am rather apprehensive of this meeting because this Inquisitor is one I've crossed paths with on occasion.  If you must know, she goes by the name of..."

And break. Because writing works just the same way as moving pictures, right? 

We are next introduced to 

"Lady Inquisitor Tina Maxamillien Amalthea Solarius, or Lady Tina for short." 

and her retinue, which consists of two magi of the Adeptus Mechanicus, who talk behind people's backs in binary, the excorciator Pain and the Death Spirits Chaplain Moerchen. He's the growly angry one from the last part that wasn't Cailean. He is also a bit daft, in that endearing puppy way. If the puppy is an 8 feet tall power armoured monstrosity.

Last, and least, is Lieutenant Xin and her posse of storm troopers. Despite being a veteran of two decades worth of fighting, who regularly must face the most despicable horrors the galaxy can think of (on which my kith and kin rank high), Xin still trembles in the presence of Cailean. Like a child. Woman has to be at least forty years old, and that is pushing middle-age for mon-keigh!

Cailean doesn't help it by staring daggers at Xin and then dropping this condescending nugget on her:

"Just testing her mettle...that is all, Inquisitor.  Fear not the psyker, young woman." 

 She's a middle-aged storm trooper junior officer. Though how she attained her rank is soon revealed.

Tina turned back smiling and laughing.  "Ahhhh...she's a good girl she is.  Her looks are betraying I must warn you.  She's more than a match for most enemies.  Once time she fought off and slayed two genestealers at once when we were dispatched to the hulk Inferis.  Of course, she earned her spot through the death of her brutish superior at the hands of those two monsters so I guess you could call it a blessing in disguise for her...ah ha ha." 

Wow. Two genestealers. I have the head of a trygon hanging in my personal trophy galleries and the heads of several tyranid warriors. Genestealer? Pfft. Though it is good to know that she did not gain her rank through the bed; I would have lost what little respect I can muster for her. I don't know, she might be a good warrior.

Might. I doubt it.

So after exchanging pleasantries for a bit, the scene peters out and we find out nothing of actual importance. Cailean meeting Lady Tina was in other words a scene where the sole purpose was character introduction. Clunky character introduction.

So, we leave the boring, semi-sane people behind and move back to the Engine of Obscenity, Torturer's personal pleasure barge full of flashing lights and pounding music.

Just for kicks I looked up the name Engine of Obscenity in the Dark City's information webway. I got this result:

It's a flying pink dildo in space.

At least WalkingMaelstrom's partner-in-crime torture-device is kind enough to supply art... even if he has little skill when drawing straight lines, I see. I think Lux et Veritas is sort of... bent.

Eleaxus gives Torturer his commands and the advice to plan meticulously, as he has just given him a gift of Noise Marines in the service of She Who Thirsts, as well as an artifact of some power, though he doesn't say what it is.

Now, does Torturer heed that advice?

Instead, he launches into a spiel in which we get introduced to the other members of Torturer's warband.

First there's Zekkel, a dark apostle of the Word Bearers legion, who for some reason now serves the Flawless Host, which are Emperor's Children derivates. He is also possessed by a daemon, but even as he speaks in tongues, this is laughed off as something silly old Zekkel just does from time to time. How quaint.

Next we meet Foerx Fume (try pronouncing that, I dare you), who is both a plague marine and a devotee of She Who Thirsts. I am used to seeing a lot of strange strange creatures in the arena, but having this particular specimen described to me... Oh, the thought of finding and fighting such a rare prey is enticing indeed. Though the trouble would be it'd be so rare as to be actually non-existent.

Next is Apothecary Malexis, who has a shrill voice and wears goggles. He's the squad's multi-purpose scientist.

So basically this guy, but in power armour.

We're also introduced to Sergeant Ignis, who is a diametric opposite of Sergeant Seo and the Devastator  Havoc Razorwire, who has an attitude problem. Why Torturer hasn't squashed the annoying bastard yet, is anyone's guess. The whole diametric opposite thing is obvious with Zekkel/Moerchen, InsanoMalexis/Haruch and Torturer/Cailean.

And the worst part is that I believe WalkingMaelstrom thought he was clever when he did this.

Torturer, after introducing us to his squad mates, launches into a fucking hilarious speech:

 "BROTHERS!  CHAMPIONS OF SLAANESH!  We set ourselves upon the field of battle, where bloody conflict and ecstasy fit only for the Prince of Pleasure awaits us!  We stand as the vessels of Chaos!  We stand as perfection, as one!  I ask thee...who are we?" 

"The Sick Six!" They screamed in unison. 

"Who are we?!?" 

"THE SICK SIX!!!" 

His blood boiled, his eyes wide open, his mask producing a feral grin purely on its own, he reached deep within his lungs. "WHO...ARE... WEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?" 

"THE SICK SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!!!" 

I don't know about you, but I can't read that without giggling.

The whole thing reaches a crescendo as Torturer as written by WalkingMaelstrom manages to come all over the page, and the shape of it is a magnificent and despicably hard to read ALL CAPS segment:

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSS!  MY  BROTHERS...WE DEPART TO MEET OUR COMRADES!  AFTERWARDS WE DEPART FOR GREXX...WHERE THE FALSE EMPEROR'S LACKEYS AWAIT THEIR DEMISE BY OUR HANDS!  MAKE READY YOUR WEAPONS AND PRAYERS!  WASTE NOT A SINGLE MOMENT!  GLORY AND PLEASURE AWAIT US ALL!" 

So much for planning meticulously.
_______________________________________________________________________

And that's the end of this.

All I can say is... this exists.  It has it's horrible moments (the ending seems like an indication of things to come) but it is nowhere near as incoherent and rambling as Vessel of his Wrath. That obviously does not mean it isn't incoherent and rambling. Because it is. Dark Muses alive, it is. The basic structure of the chapter is to introduce us to a whole host of characters that I could not care less about in the most clunky manner conceivable. And they are not that engaging. They're just mirror-versions of each other. I've dodged more imaginative turds from tervigons. The most interesting ones by far were pedo-Dinotus and campy Eleaxus.

Oh Lord Vect, you owe me.

You owe me big for this.

Becuase I am not one to leave a job half-done.