Divination part 2

In which the great and terrible Supreme Overlord loses his sobriety. 


Story: Divination part 2
Author: WalkingMaelstrom

What an eventful week it has been! No'akei tried to poison me again at lunch and my seat blew up at the premiere of the the Dancing Death Troupe's rendition of the War in Heaven (my request; Lord Skalan complained that he'd seen it too often, and Lord Skalan's displeasure amuses me greatly), then a swarm of hellions attacked the convoy supposedly carrying my body to the haemonculi.

So now there is a hole where Duke Karraghos's manse-spire used to be. Eye-for-an-eye, that, as I do not enjoy my opera-time being interrupted. With him gone, though, there's a nice fat plot of prime real estate open for exploitation once more in my city.

So what exactly are my insignificant, half-extinct "cousins" (I loathe to use the word in reference to the craftworlders) doing while I wipe out entire ancient lineages of prestigious Commorrites?

Fuck-nothing! The exact same thing they've been doing the last 100,000 words!

So what has our super-special bestest best author-buddy done this week?

He apparently joined the Witness Protection Program. Unfortunately, deviantart likes to remind you that you have done horrible, horrible things in your past. Like this atrocious series.

So Lelith and I will continue to refer to SemperFiTRex as WalkingMaelstrom for a while, partly because there is no forgiving the horrible writing we have seen, as well as that which we are about to examine.

And I assure you, we eldar have very long memories indeed.

Alright, this will be a long ride, everyone. With that in mind, I introduce you to:

THE RIVALS TIL DEATH DRINKING GAME!

(Weaboo Edition)

Bear in mind that you are very likely going to die of alcohol poisoning while playing this. I, however, intend to play it throughout this review.

First sentence in and I'm already feeling a little nauseous:

Of all the things to confound him during his time of frustration, his quite depraved cousins were amongst the top in the hierarchy.

Is this even supposed to be modern English? He left us off on a cliffhanger last part, awaiting some epic space-fight that defies all logic in its set-up... then he sits us down, and forces us to listen to a third-person deliberation on what a dark eldar is.

So after 340 words of useless padding, we then get to the main event.

And it's mediocre.

The enemy craft fired another ionized blast at the Song of Vengeance, the superheated streak silently carrying across the vacuum but missing its target, instead hitting debris and causing the Ulthwé ship to rock.

 That, is what we call a run-on sentence. You may have heard of them beforehand. They aren't pretty in action writing whatsoever.

The problem with this sort of long-winded narration is that it's not pretty. A combat sentence should be short, sweet, and to the point. Each time the writer inserts a period between thoughts, it is a breath of air for the reader.

Also, this is space-combat we're talking about here. Somehow I doubt "ionized blasts" will cause a ship to rock at all if it hits something so pathetic as "debris".

 "Continue acceleration towards them at sixty percent!  Shift void shields to fifty port and fifty bow!" He turned to his retinue.  "Brace yourselves, my kin!  They'll find us more than a match!"

 This doesn't feel too particularly... eldar, you know? This feels more like Star Trek techno-babble than it does the wishy-washy flowy-showy "fluttering about" that everyone was doing in part 1.

"Wishy-washy"? I'm beginning to channel the Doctor here.

Oh, and a random Howling Banshee (Elon'waen, I presume) is on the bridge "smiling wildly". Looking pretty, in other words.

"Warlock!  We have incoming missiles!" One of the crew yelled from below.  Her radar flickered with multiple streaking lines towards their ship.  "Countermeasures are primed!"
"Wait for them to get in closer range!  Port batteries!  Train your sights upon the missiles should our interceptors fail!  Prime the engines to accelerate at ninety percent!"
"Missiles are past the first boundary line!  Awaiting your order, Warlock!"

 The Tom Clancy is strong with this one. This is less of a space battle and more a bunch of people shouting pseudo-military jargon in an ambiguous room on the eldar ship.

"What are you doing, Warlock?!?" Elon'waen cried out!

 That's what I want to know, too-- surprise exclamation mark from nowhere!

Not to imply that this is particularly Naruto-esque. Not yet, anyway.

But WalkingMaelstrom starts using words like "blossom" to describe missile-blasts while he is also having characters shout in all-caps:

"PORT BATTERIES, FIRE SCATTER PATTERN!  HELMSMAN!  BEGIN SHIFT TO PORT AT THIRTY DEGREES!  INCREASE SPEED!"

Incidentally I have yet another problem with this.

WalkingMaelstrom is failing miserably to set  a tone here with his writing. He shifts back and forth between using flowery words to describe pretty fireworks, and then bounces back to these brutish, simplistic shouting-bouts.

One of these things is not like the others.

This would all be much more interesting to read if, for example, Devonar's commands were not being written out, but rather the results of his orders were described. Right now we are stuck in the presumed bridge of this vessel looking out a window, when the fight is outside. Our interest (mine, anyway) is in the carnage, the fighting, the shooting and the close-grips brutality of ship-to-ship warfare on a large scale.

Unfortunately Devonar's ship has not fired a single shot, and I'm also noting a disturbing lack of follow-up fire from the dark eldar also. I can only assume everyone's sitting and waiting patiently for what happens next.

Here's a hint: it's retarded.

So after it is apparently revealed that the enemy ship is, in fact, called Enemy Ship,

"Enemy ship is opening their batteries!"

(It's funny because there's no definitive article in there)

And they finally start firing,

The laser batteries opened fire but the Song of Vengeance withstood the punishment, the shields either absorbing or deflecting more of the withering fire.

 And I am left wondering what a white and black rainbow is,

Glancing blows struck the ship causing superficial damage across the elegant white and black rainbows, but nothing to severely cripple.

 And we are introduced to the concept of a "bow gun",

 "Bow guns, target to the flanks of the Dark Ones!  Target the warp engines and lower gun batteries!"

 
 And someone in my dark city is revealed to be using railguns,

"Warlock, their railguns have been disabled!"

Okay, there's actually a lot of padding between the initial barrage (if you can call it that) and Devonar's almighty grand plan to defeat the dark eldar, so I'll just go ahead and segue right to that.

Devonar orders his gun crews to somehow disable both the dark eldar's weapons and "visuals". While I have no idea what a "visual" is meant to refer to, but he then orders them to ram the raider, so they may then board it.

Ram the raider.

With his cruiser.

Yeah.

Before we continue I need to point out the obvious here. The person who gave Devonar the idea to board in the first place, was the ranger, Simhoen Hainhann.

Simo Häyhä, the world's most handsome jaw.

WalkingMaelstrom had the gall to parody the name of Finland's White Death, the greatest sniper the world has seen, the man who accumulated over five-hundred kills in the Winter War.

A "reference" like this would be amusing in, say, a video game such as Dawn of War II, which already has given us Me'ri'su's Polearm.

Also: shame on you, Lelith! Of all people, I thought you would have noticed the savage, disrespectful and just-plain obnoxious reference to a modern warrior-legend.

... Modern? Pre-modern? Historical?...

I hate talking in-character at times like this.

Oh! Obligatory sexism comment:

"Elon'waen."
Her face became alive with anticipation.  "Yes, Warlock?"
"Tell me, when was the last time you had performed a boarding action?"

 Look at how eager she is to answer Devonar. How cute.

That's right, Devonar, keep that bitch on your leash.

And you just know that "boarding action" is innuendo for the violent sex they're going to be having after this is done with.

So anyway, they board the raider using a shuttle, which means I was apparently wrong about the ramming thing earlier.

"Well," Devonar turned to the both of them with glaring eyes, "it seems the druchii wish for their deaths."

But we're back to calling my people druchii now. One thing or another, it seems.

I think that was only my twenty-third shot, incidentally.

Elon'waen marveled seeing the power of the Warlock in action.  For all the many years she served him, she never grew tired and instead cried out to her fellow Banshees. "SISTERS!  THE WARLOCK HAS CLEARED THE PATH!  ONWARD!  MAEL DANNAN!"

  Ah, there it is again: the language-mixing caps-locked eldar-speak within eldar-speak. Is it really that difficult to say "NO QUARTER" or does the translator have to spontaneously break down every time WalkingMaelstrom finds a cool new phrase?

Let's not even talk about the "gazing in awe of the man" thing, or the disregard for Aspect temple duties. Do you really want to hear what it sounds like to speak in eldarith? Do you?

iam Farath CreagLeram Aual, iam em yess Faras Komagres!

ual an GairamEad zsen?

ial WalkingMaelstrom Thara Dannanam AKel Margrech! iam Sista yassWalkingMaelstrom CreagKoss IsshMann! et Mon'keigh Tharet NosKam, Furith CreagLeram, uan asskam Golgaith...

Ugh!

eaait Mon'keigh! asset Fare Eldarith mael Weaboo.

Iä, iä! Cthulhu Fthagn!

Perhaps Lelith and I should start referring to WalkingMaelstrom/SemperFiTRex as "Maelsoth".

Ha! Maelsoth, get it? He has no brain!

Now that I've calmed down a bit, we can continue.

The fight-scene that follows is so boring and flamboyant it reminds me an uncomfortable lot of Symphony of Chaos.

The Banshee roared through her mask, diving headfirst to the Warlock and timing it almost perfectly, rolled and sprung up to shove her blade deep into the wych's stomach in midair.  The wych gurgled and widened her eyes with complete shock.  "Your filthy, murderous hands shall not touch the Warlock!"  Elon'waen slammed the fiend, with sword still inside, onto the deck and pulled the blade free to deal with the second wych.  Her blades flowed as if they were her arms, blocking and slicing with unfathomable ease.  The wych was wholly unprepared to take on an enraged Banshee such as her, barely able to block or strike for that matter.  The Agoniser was cut into pieces from her hand which had also left the wych's body.  As she reeled, Elon'waen thrust her blade into the druchii's forehead, eyes rolling backwards, body twitching, and the blood and skull dripping off the shining metal.  With the enemy falling to the floor, Elon'waen twirled her blades to wick the wet blood off of them, standing as tall and fearsome as she could be, acting as an inspiration to the other Banshees who had mercilessly finished off the rest of the enemy.
Devonar watched her turn to him.  A small nagging thought crept in where he wished he could see her face.  He imagined it a self-satisfied grin, ready to comment on his headstrong maneuver with an air of vindication that dug into his skin like an insect.
"Charge to the forefront by yourself and expose yourself to near death by enemies catching you completely off-guard without the real support of your troops?  That was your idea of support, Warlock?  Your selflessness will force me to bring you back to the Infinity Circuit one of these days.  Is that what you would call 'the burden of leadership'?"
"Humor is not your strong point, Elon'waen.  Besides, such a predicament would be rather inconvenient for the both of us."
"Indeed it would, and make me an inferior bodyguard, to let my leader run off like some foolish mon'keigh." She snapped right back.
"Your barbs are ever so appreciated."

I must confess I've never heard of the word "barb" being used to refer to one's snippy/womanly attitude.

Somewhere between WalkingMaelsoth stopping combat for long-winded dialogue and referring to my species as if I and my cousins were Fantasy elves, the gang uncovers the dark eldar loot room.

He noticed Lugganath artisan sculptures, jewelry worn likely by civilians, wraithbone armors of Saim-Hann, and even a Banshee mask which only further boiled the blood of Elon'waen.  Bodily remains were scattered there as testaments to their wanton cruelty and pillaging.

Wow. This ship's been busy, I see, given that Lugganath and Saim-Hann are on opposite ends of the galaxy.

I was wondering for a moment just who these idiots were when I looked back up some ways and realized: WalkingMaelsoth (okay, last time I call him that) does tell us who they are!

From the markings that Simhoen pointed out, it looked like this particular ship belonged to the Kabal of the Fiend Ascendant, a lesser band of misfits trying to work their way up the vicious food chain.

I do not think that Archon Tarsidhe would appreciate being referred to as a "misfit", certainly not the "trying to work their way up the vicious food chain" comment either.

In fact, I rarely see much of Tarsidhe anymore, given that he's continually fighting in the Ultima Segmentum, what with all the tau and the Ultramarines, and the tyranids. I imagine he'd be gravely upset to know one of his ships is not supporting his almighty battlefield theatrics.

That's another thing: WalkingMaelstrom obviously is going a step further than Torture-Device and is doing his research. Some research, anyway, since he doesn't know a verse about the Kabal of the Fiend Ascendant.

Apparently anything he can't find on the 40K Wiki doesn't matter, despite the fact he can easily look it up in the codex to ensure what he's writing about isn't some fat neckbeard's fantasies about my relationship with Lelith. If he doesn't have a codex - well big fucking deal! He can go download a copy for reference.

No credit for not reading your source material!

If this ship was going back and forth from one Segmentum to another, I think it would have had the sense to stop and drop off loot in the Dark City.

"Incubi." Elon'waen hissed. The dreaded bodyguards of the Dark Eldar leaders were always formidable foes, far better honed in the art of combat and killing than your common warrior.  The training they had endured and survived also allowed them greater resistance to the graceful and deadly psychic powers the Warlock wielded. They had only hoped they were not there to start another melee.

 I'm truly getting sick to death of all this elaboration. Rather than waste everyone's time padding things down by explaining what every single dark eldar does, just show us what they do!

Yadda yadda, the Kabalites try to surprise the craftworlders with mandrakes; it doesn't work because they're important characters and they'll obviously win without any effort; blah blah blah...

And then Devonar gets to the bridge to "parlay".

Parlay, not parley. He actually made that mistake, the idiot.

There sat the druchii captain, his private troupe of wyches and remaining Incubi standing in awe at the Warlock.  With that awe came hatred only millennia could produce, predators hoisted by their own petard and undone by hubris.  The captain remained seated however with a stern look of disgust across his scarred and pierced face.  It was met by Devonar, Warlock of Ulthwé, who after slaughtering so many in his rage had finally had enough of the deceit and audacity.
A lone finger angrily pointed towards the pirate. "You…you are Zerubinth."
"Yesssss…weakling craftworlder." He hatefully jeered back, masking his apprehension for the sake of his pride.
"Good.  You know who I am.  You know why I am here.  I have questions.  You have potential answers.  I want them…now." He cracked his neck, ready for the brutal questioning he was about to bestow upon his foes.  "So, let us begin."

 ---~~~---

I counted no less than four instances of the word "awe" used in very questionable ways in part 2. I should probably add that into the drinking game, but since it appears roughly once per each chapter that WalkingMaelsothstrom writes, I fear it would only make the game even more difficult.

I might add "petard" on next, though. That word just annoys me.

I cannot really get across how boring Divination part 2 was. Instead, I'll throw numbers in your face that show how bad it was.

When one peruses WalkingMaelstrom's deviantart gallery they notice a sizable disparity between the number of comments and commenters on his works. Divination part 2, for instance, has exactly three different commentators in its 9 comments, and one of them is WalkingMaelstrom.

Rumination part 2 is far worse: 4 commentators (including WalkingMaelstrom) for 17 comments total. Lelith and I were in total despair when we saw the comment totals on deviantart; how can something so awful be this popular?

A closer inspection revealed that it's usually the same people who are commenting, however, and they tend to be good friends of WalkingMaelstrom's.

So how boring was this? How much more boring does it get?

As of the 21st of June there is a pit after Divination, during which his stories do not receive any comments at all. My guess is he bored his friends into comas during this time.

Okay, to be fair, this is potentially due to the fact he published these en masse following the release of a nearly year-long ban (there's a funny story to that). But you'll notice the trend continues even after his giant dump.

I'm seriously beginning to think Lelith and I need to find some more fan-fiction to make fun of on the side. We're both starting to run low on things to make fun of, and if this series is seriously this uninteresting, there will be problems.

That's a problem for another time. I have to make arrangements for dinner with Lady Lakont and her... lovely sisters...

Ta ta, dear Kabalites!

- V.