Symphony of Chaos part 1

In which the mistress of the Cult of Strife finds herself in a fight surrounded by walls (of text) in what is most likely the longest review this blog will ever see. 


Story: Symphony of Chaos part 1 
Author: WalkingMaelstrom 

So it seems the last part was mostly posturing, if Lord Vect is to be believed. I somehow think he is still mad at me for removing his favorite toe, despite having it replaced. When I opened my weapon locker today, a tyranid ripper leapt out at me, intent on gnawing my face off. I despatched it with a simple bash to the face.

In the locker I also found the next part in this series of stories, along with the last one carrying Vect's annotations. Humorous though it is to see him suffer, I do feel that this time the joke is on me.

The story starts off with a literal blast as the Sick Six dive away to reveal the Noise Marines with Blastmasters, prompting Sergeant Seo to yell in ALL CAPS that they must all dodge. The Imperials all escape the blast, apart from Moerchen who is winded a bit, prompting Inquisitor Fey to ask if he's hurt. My dear, he's wearing power armour, I think he's fine! 

"Are you hurt, Moerchen?" Tina asked. 

"No, m'lady.  I am fine and will exact such an offense tenfold." 

"Good." She turned towards the Noise Marines! 

See? Oh, and that's a wild exclamation mark appearing out of nowhere. Get used to them. They are everywhere in this story. 

Next we get this gem:

"FIRE!" Xin cried out and the hellguns were ablaze.  They peppered the Noise Marines but failed to kill at least one of them.  Still the Noise Marines unleashed another barrage, one of which sent two of her troops flying backwards with one unfortunate soul having his body bisected from the waist down.  The other died on impact.  Already she was two down.  "COVER!  SEEK COVER!" 

There was an audible slapping noise in my room as my palm met my forehead at that. Good-bye what little respect I could have held for Lt. Xin. I won't even go into the horrid writing and misuse of words, not to mention the misplaced modifiers that are more common than gretchin, because if I did, we would be here all day. 

Now, dearie, when facing power armored monstrosities in the service of She Who Thirsts, the order is: seek cover first, THEN fire upon them. See, not that hard. Or is it too much for your puny mon-keigh brain to handle? 

Xin then gets slapped around by Sergeant Ignis, who only has scorn for her:

"You die now, woman!" 

Considering Sergeant Ignis, as drawn by WalkingMaelstrom's friend torture-device, looks like this

 

that comment can be construed as sort of racist. And sexist at the same time. Double-whammy!

She is lucky, as Seo swoops in and saves her bacon, by being even more sexist in his comments towards her. That apparently gets this veteran storm trooper stormtrooper to move and take cover. Seo, being an idiot, takes his attention from Ignis and is duly smacked over the face for it (though not with a chainsword as one could have hoped), and we leave the two sergeants staring each other down like that. 

Instead, the scene shifts to this:

Bolter shells, sound waves, and laser screamed through the air like rain.  The din of battle, the chaos, all were being drowned in it, save for three.  There in the middle of it all, stood the heretic Torturer and his prey, the Librarian and Inquisitor.  He stood there, arms crossed, head slightly tilted, with a sick smile on his face.  A bolter round smacked the ground near his feet but he was as solid as a rock.  Fume flew in the air right behind him, a frag grenade catching him slightly unawares, yet Torturer still stood firm.  He knew his comrade would be all right.  All that concerned him was right in front of him.  His mask opened up wide as if it wanted to taste the air of carnage. 

And these people are left alone why? No answer is given, ever. Also, I like how it is implied by the text that rain screams. Maybe it does on the daemon worlds Torturer has visited, but if the rain started doing that out in normal space, I would be concerned. It can't be heralding anything but a daemonic invasion. 

Oh, and the image of Fume flying through the air like a ragdoll is actually quite funny, but for all the wrong reasons. 

So, Tina and Torturer banter for a while, before Cailean butts in and tells Tina the obvious, because he wanted to "aired on the side of caution". This just after he says: 

"Really, Inquisitor?  Look...we have to work together to defeat him, but be wary of your null aura.  I will easily rob me of my powers." 

WalkingMaelstrom is the undisputed master of proof-reading and dialogue. Either that or he's going to great pains to portray everybody involved, Cailean in particular, as massive idiots. 

They banter a bit more before Torturer pulls out two sonic blasters from behind his back and fires them at Inquisitor Fey and Librarian Cuntmunch Cailean. 

Wait a minute.

According to torture-device, Torturer looks like this:

Poor Hellion...

That's a power fist. Nevermind that sonic blasters, from my experience, are two-handed weapons easily the size of boltguns, but how the fuck does one pull the trigger of a gun with a power fist? HOW? Is the answer simply that neither WalkingMaelstrom nor torture-device have any idea of what the fuck the former is actually writing? I hope so, because the alternative is that neither cares, and that makes me wonder why they bother with this in the first place. 

Whatever. The next paragraph does wonderfully encapsulate WalkingMaelstrom's inability to write. 

She nodded.  Given the lack of a telepathic bond the two could've shared, she could at the very least get the gist of his plan.  She leapt back and fired at him with her plasma pistol.  The white-hot energy cut through the air and right to him.  He leapt to the side and faced Cailean's force staff waiting for him.  Activating his jet pack, he screamed out of the arc of Cailean and back towards a good firing position. 

This paragraph not only indicates Lady Fey is firing her gun at Cailean but also shows that yes, WalkingMaelstrom does think an Astartes jump pack is equivalent to a jet pack. 

Cailean then unleashes the Quickening. 

This is a Space Marine psychic power that makes him super-fast, and Cailean gets a shot in at Torturer, who flies through the air only to crash into Razorwire. WalkingMaelstrom also consistently, throughout the story, refers to Razorwire as a Devastator, despite that the title for the heavy support infantry of the Chaos Space Marines is in fact Havoc. 

Torturer and Razorwire exchange some banter too, before the former flies off. What is important to note from that exchange is that the battle has gone on for some 5 minutes by now. 

The scene stays with Razorwire, as he starts firing on Inquisitor Tina and the two ALSO banter some, whilst exchanging potshots. For being a fighty part in this story, there is an awful lot of talking going on! Tina, being an incompetent dolt, is first saved by a storm trooper, who later dies in a pile of cultists, and then by Chaplain Moerchen, who like many chaplains wears a rosarius. Many, not all. Apparently. 

Oh, and the writing implies that Moerchen can also fly. 

The Rosiarius...a blessed item bestowed to many Space Marine Chaplains.  He had landed and activated it in the nick of time, the refractor field blunting the bolter shells. There stood the Chaplain in his glory, is crozius alive with power and purity seals flapping in the breeze, the din music to his ears.  His breathing was heavy but that of anger. 

Moerchen and Tina exchange dialogue with Razorwire, who gets sudden, and unwanted, aid from Zekkel. Razorwire tells him to fuck off. Essentially. 

A swarm (WalkingMaelstrom's words) of Slaaneshii cultists have also arrived to the fight by now, fuck knows where from.

And that's the thing! The scene of the fight is supposedly a random field, I think, on the planet Grexx, so I'm confused as to how they found this field specifically. See, it is never specified anywhere where this is taking place, whether it is indoors or outdoors. There is a table present though, and facilities to serve warm tea, this much we know, which is why I can't rule out the indoors option.

With the cultists nearing and being a distraction for the storm troopers, Zekkel picks a fight with Moerchen. 

"Very well."  He gestured towards Moerchen with his mock crozius.  "Come, you deluded slave, you foolish sycophant of the Corpse God!  Let's have ourselves some sport!" 

Moerchen manages to see through this, notices Zekkel's black and purple eyes and realises he's possessed, so sends Inquisitor Fey at him instead. As stated, she's a null (sometimes) and this will throw the daemon inside Zekkel off-balance. Moerchen will deal with Razorwire. 

"Wisely said,  Moerchen."  She drew herself  into a charging stance.  "Ready?" 

"At your command." 

She built up the air in her lungs and let it out in fury. 

"CHAAAAAARGE!" 

That leads up to this:

Building up enough speed, she roared as she leapt into the air with Hope shimmering under the sun and descended upon Zekkel.  His crozius met her sword and could barely hold back the power in her hands, her body suspended in the air by sheer energy alone.  She pulled away and swung at his chest, forcing him to leap back. 

You're meaning to tell me a 60 kg-something woman in formfitting armor just forced a 450 kg Space Marine back a step? Bull! Shit! Especially as she is in the air and has no leverage at all. There are few places that better illustrate that Mael is coming from shitty anime into Warhammer 40k. 

But Lady Tina is not the only one being a massive idiot. Torturer is apparently one too, as Zekkel realises what she is (causing the possessed man to call the soulless woman an "abomination" - pot, meet kettle) a tad too late. Why? 

Zekkel was completely unaware that Tina was a blank, a crucial fact Torturer left out during the quick briefing simply due to Torturer himself forgetting.

Didn't Eleaxus tell him to plan meticulously? This is just plain lazy writing, because WalkingMaelstrom realised that Zekkel not knowing about Tina's blank-status would and should have been something Torturer remembered, the noise raptor himself being a mild telepath. But no. That would not had made for "suspenseful writing". 

In the meantime, Moerchen is having the most homoerotic fight ever conceived (at least unintentionally) with Razorwire, the latter acting like a Teletubbie in demanding more pain to be inflicted on him. 

"HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!  Again!  DO IT AGAIN!" 

So Razorwire also gains power from pain. Interesting though it could have been, it leaves me with a sour aftertaste as he's so gay about it. This is also incredibly childish of me, but try to read the next paragraph without thinking about male-on-male sex: 

Moerchen bellowed as he charged at him with full force, his crozius ready to deliver the finishing blow to his head.  However what he didn't count on was Razorwire to be fully prepared with a charge of his own.  No matter to him of course, the chaplain would still have the upper hand being blessed by the Emperor.  Then Razorwire obtained speed never seen by the chaplain, and thrust his weight into the chest of the loyalist, Moerchen flying back to where he once stood.  It was in the blink of an eye that he had moved so quickly and powerfully.  "Warp power!  Damn it!  The pain merely increased it!" 

"What?!?  Did you really think I was just letting you kill me, you stupid, predictable, loyalist chaplain of the Corpse God?!?  Pain fuels me, excites me, makes me swell with power!  Now get ready for a world of your own pain!" 

Moerchen surprisingly smiled beneath his skull helmet.  He was looking for sport and it seems he found it.  "World of pain, eh?  Bring it." 

In another part of the neighborhood, Sergeant Seo sees what's going on and orders the Devastator Ashur to help the storm troopers against the cultists and Noise Marines. Mind you, he is still fighting Ignis while doing this. The two fight, breaking off to chat a little bit, before continuing to fight. Back and forth, back and forth. Nothing valuable happens. Neither is there any sense of urgency to the fight, as it takes place within the confines of humungous walls of text. I thought the ones in the last part I reviewed was bad. That's nothing compared to this. 

Meanwhile, Torturer and Cailean were alone again in their epic duel. 

And yet the next sentence, cultists run in and fight Cailean, while Torturer takes a breather. Cailean fights these cultists within the confines of walls of text, just like his battle-brother Seo. 

After Cailean has disposed of most of the cultists, Torturer dives back in or so it would seem. Despite the confusing use of too many words, it is obvious that WalkingMaelstrom means that Torturer has been standing next to Cailean all the time, doing nothing, just crossing his arms over his chest. They are interrupted by a sonic blast from a Noise Marine. 

Torturer, obviously angry with nearly having been killed, berates the Noise Marine, which confuses it enough to lose sight of Cailean and thus get promptly killed. Torturer then thanks Cailean for that and they continue their sparring some more.  

It is honestly hard to make out what the flying fuck is going on in this "epic duel", not just because of the bad paragraphing, but also because of the fact that WalkingMaelstrom simply doesn't understand that you can't leave modifiers and prepositions just dangling all over the place. There is no flow to the writing. It has all the poise and grace of a snail on LSD. 

Let's leave those idiots for a bit, as WalkingMaelstrom decides to shift focus to Ashur, the storm troopers, cultists and the daemonettes, which he is still spelling "demonettes". 

The cultists had multiplied and were set upon the stormtroopers, the techpriests, and Brother Ashur. 

It seems the Imperials are losing, considering that the cultists have apparently given birth during the fight. I would not put this beyond slaves to She Who Thirsts though.

They too fight in the confines of walls of text. Marvellous!  

After blowing a virtual horde of enemies apart, Ashur finally decides to put his heavy bolter on the automatic setting, having had it on the semi-auto one all this time. 

Wait, what? 

Anyway, Ashur then porceeds in hosing an onrushing daemonette with a total of 50 bolts (nice round number) before it expires. Makes me think of this: 

I am aware that could easily have been applied to the storm trooper who went out with a bang earlier, though.

It doesn't help that Ashur personally is WINNING! incredibly hard, as a trooper gets her hand cut off. Ashur rushes to her rescue (ignoring all her comrades who are just brutally butchered), to get her away from Foerx's "sound poisons" (try to wrap your head around THAT ONE!). This one trooper, whose name is Rana Hallock, is completely overwhelmed that a Space Marine would want to save cute ickle her. This despite the fact the she, just like her incompetent lieutenant, is an inquisitorial storm trooper. 

"Astartes!" The woman cried out of fear, already intimidated by the sheer size of the man.  To her, she was but a babe in his arms, a toy in the hands of a superhuman. 

The sexism on display is staggering. At the same time it is obvious Mael aimed for the "chivalrous Space Marine" angle, but he misses the target so badly he couldn't have missed it any more if he was aiming in a completely different direction and the target was in another country all together. 

Doing all this, however, takes all of Ashur's concentration (although I am prepared to guess the walls of text managed to confuse him too) and he is badly wounded as the daemonettes close in on him.

Not too far from there, Torturer and Cailean are still going at it. 

 However, his sick self sought some sport, and glancing off to the side, he found it. 

No extra points for alliteration. Instead, I say "Twenty points from Gryffindor!", as this story has gone on for nearly 15 pages now with very little of interest happening, beyond Ashur being wounded. 

The quote from the text shows that Torturer, just like the reader by now, is growing incredibly bored with what is going on. He spots the wounded Ashur and, reading the script and massive character file on Cailean, decides to go after the devastator instead. 

Ashur, being a complete idiot out of plot-convenience, charges Torturer with only his combat knife. Torturer, as stated above, is armed with a power fist. 

What you can expect would happen, happens. 

This terrible, terrible turn of events makes Cailean go "NOOOOOOOOO!" 

Torturer, ever eager to get the final word in, ends part 1 of "Symphony of Chaos" with

"Problem, lapdog?"  

If only the story overall was this dignified. 

 __________________________________________ 

So, what can be taken away from this story is- well, actually, a LOT can be taken away from it and we'd still be just as far ahead. 

The writing is atrocious. Half the time, I have no idea who is doing what to whom, and the other half it makes no sense physically speaking, as characters either gleefully break canon or the laws of physics, both with equal abandon. 

This part is some 15 pages long. What happens in it can be summarised as: The Sick Six plus allies arrive and they fight the Imperials for a bit. Hallock loses a hand. Ashur gets killed. The End! That's it! It is also interesting how Mael forgot the fight between Malexis and Haruch as well as most of what Foerx Fume was up to (when he wasn't flying through the air or shooting sound poisons), or found them too boring to mention. 

Each and every one of the other fights could easily have been truncated and made more interesting to read, being able to include those people in the fight too, and the story would still have been shorter than it is now. Never mind that they are silly, over-the-top and physically impossible. 

And that is not even getting into the non-existent proof-reading: Some sentences change meaning because of the misspellings WalkingMaelstrom make. A few of those I am not even certain are misspellings, as the letters mixed-up aren't even close to each other on a keyboard. 

Let's not even start on the rampant sexism/misogyny. I think I've said all there is to be said on that subject. Makes me wonder if he can actually get worse. 

...

That's NOT a challenge!

I am starting to understand how Lord Vect felt after Vessel of his Wrath now. I don't feel too good either. 

I am actually very glad that I don't have to deal with the second half of this train-wreck of a fight.

Now, how to plant this "dataslate" so that Vect finds it?

//L//