Prelude to the Rapture part 2

In which the invincible Supreme Overlord plunges headfirst into the strangest sequence of events he's seen yet...


Story: Prelude to the Rapture, part 2
Author: WalkingMaelstrom

Well, I suppose dearest Lelith and I have reached an agreement of sorts regarding this series. She will look over every other story in exchange for a fresh batch of those charming Emperor's Children to kill in the arenas. I cannot imagine what made her want them in particular.

Oh, yes, and she also took my left big-toe. In retrospect, I should have been wearing my trusty metal-capped slippers, but she caught me bedding the lovely lhamaean Ilathin on a dare from a harlequin troupe avatar.

But toes can easily be replaced. I'll just make a trip to the underside and have a word with Master Rakarth. I'm thinking I'll have him graft that zoanthrope tooth from Tyran for this one.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes...

The discussion had left Cailean somewhat offended.

Hey, that's how The Vessel of His Wrath left me!

In all seriousness, the opening paragraph of Prelude to the Rapture, part 2 demonstrates how much of a complete dolt Epistolary Cailean is. But  Lady Inquisitor Tina Fey's plan to catch Torturer (like he's some fucking Scooby Doo villain) is apparently to use Cailean's little team as bait?

And she's also offering up an entire planet to Torturer's team, I guess?

Good thing I had a mind-shield in place, because the lack of logic in this brilliant plan just burned it out. I am beginning to suspect this series was a ploy on Malys's part to kill me.

If all Torturer has is a shitty little raider (which apparently is even smaller than a normal human raider, if that comparison to the strike cruiser is to mean anything) then what hope at all does he have of taking over an entire planet? Is it really that hard for them to just kill this miserable warp-spawn?

After seeing one of those Grey Knights kill Archon Saluciaer and his entire guard of incubi, I have to say I think just one of them would suffice to deal with this Torturer--

Oh, you egotistical oaf.

How is that even possible? This glorified gimp cannot even kill a librarian, so how can he hope to stand against a Grey Knight? Isn't Lady Tina part of the Ordo Malleus? Of all inquisitors she has the easiest access to them! A single Purgation squad would probably be enough to deal with this joke of a Chaos champion and his moronic underlings! Why does any of this need to be done? Or is it just that the Grey Knights have already laughed the Lady Inquisitor off as having too trivial a concern? Because from what The Vessel of His Wrath showed us, there really isn't much that makes either party distinguishable.

Ahem. I appear to have lost my cool for a moment there.

Now, while they're doing this...

... the fiend Torturer hovered over the peaceful world of Grexx like a hawk upon a defenseless chick.

I love how the language implies that Torturer himself, not his ship, is presently orbiting Grexx.

I would like to point out that there is a very peculiar anomaly of time in place here. Last part (do you call these chapters, really?) we saw Torturer apparently as far away from Cailean and anything else as possible, snorting more drugs than any sane human should while Cailean goes and speaks with the Lady Inquisitor. He then decides to apparently go to this planet on orders from Eleaxus (who spoke to him from halfway across the galaxy, I might add), and he arrives while Inquisitor Tina and Cailean are still arguing?

So there are several distinct possibilities.

1. The Engine of Obscenity was already conveniently parked over the distinctly Imperial world of Grexx, and nobody (not even the astrotelepathic librarian, nor any other psykers that might and would be present) noticed his dildo-ship in the system.
2. Torturer apparently flew there immediately and arrived as Inquisitor Tina and Cailean were finishing up their deliberations, which would imply that they were arguing for literal days without end.
3. Random fucking shit happened in the warp.
4. WalkingMaelstrom has no perception of time.

So Torturer's plan (that fiendish fiend) is to use eldar technology to get the jump on Cailean by teleporting directly into their meeting, or something. Oh, and somewhere within the time-warp that has plagued the Engine, Eleaxus's people arrived with this artefact.

According to Eleaxus, this piece of technology would allow Torturer and everyone else to simply slip into the world via a beacon planet in secret, another piece stolen from the Eldar. 

I'm not sure I can really glean any information about any of that at all, really. Do human teleportariums (teleportariae? Confound this language!) not have the ability to do all of this without some "beacon planet"? Why should my cousins (inferior as they are) be so utterly useless?

Someone named "Foerz" also shows up on the team because WalkingMaelstrom decided to give one of his characters an absolutely horrible name that he cannot actually spell without copying and pasting.

Now, away from those dolts again, and back to the other group of tedious fools.

WalkingMaelstrom insists on not showing us the actual specifics of any of these groups' plans, for one because they aren't so much plans as they are stupid, and for another because they will be of no use in another five pages. So we continue to get these scenes where we stumble on the Lady Inquisitor and Cailean dusting their hands after the struggle of protracted strategizing. Like this one:

"So we are in agreement, then?" Tina smirked after carefully discussing the plans to bring justice to Torturer to the Imperial Paladins.

"Should blood be shed upon any of my brothers, the chapter will see this filthy Flawless Host burned at the stake." Cailean promised.  "The same would go for you and your group.  We shall see that no harm comes to you as well."

"I am honored indeed.  Ha…look at me.  I cannot remember the last time I had formed an easy rapport with an Astartes psyker."

 But let's back-track a moment, because something needs to be commented on before we go any further.

Inquisitor Tina is, apparently, a null. She lacks a soul, and is indeed painful to psykers. I (as the indomitable Supreme Overlord of Commorragh) would like to comment that in the presence of a (supposedly) strong psyker, she does not even inflict pain on Cailean, let alone discomfort.

The fact that the Inquisitor is soulless makes the fact that her sword talks to her even more absurd:

In its sheath, Hope had started to shake in anticipation of such action.  It longed for the blood of heretics.  "My sword…it's like it's…calling to me.  Is that heretic really that potent that even the sword wants its vengeance?  Am I to really call out this monster and place his head on a plate with my own hands?  Have I been away from conflict that long?"

 I maintain, what the fuck is going on here?

As if that wasn't enough of a joke, Cailean even overwhelms the soulless's null field, like it's no big fucking deal to press his will on a monster that would just eat his mind.

This is apparently why Cailean has no idea what's going on when this happens:

I shit you not, either! This is practically what happens next in a nutshell. Just read this, and I dare you tell me that this doesn't practically parody the above MADTV skit:

Even the Imperial Paladins removed their scowls until Cailean ceased smiling and twitched his lips.  Tina immediately took notice as he held tightly onto Nulli Secundum, his force staff.

"Something troubles you all of a sudden, Cailean?"

He didn't know what it was.  It was like a sudden flash of lightning in his head which ceased the second it occurred.  "I…I'm not sure.  I felt a slight disturbance though, something not right with the atmosphere here."

"I sense nothing, Cailean." Haruch said.

"Neither do I." Moerchen added.

"No…no it's nothing you could have picked up.  None of you could have.  I almost felt as if, we were being watched for but a brief moment."

"Scanners do not indicate anything unusual, my Lady." Xin informed.  The group became wary.

Cailean took several steps back from the Inquisitor.  His pulse quickened as the farther he stepped away, the more the disturbance grew in frequency.  It was not the touch of Chaos though…something…different.  "Something's not right."  He focused on the source of the sensation, his mind trying to grasp every iota of concentration possible.  Then the wailing commenced.  "No…NO!"

"That noise!  What is that noise?!?" Tina screamed as it picked up in volume.  

"It's…it's…sounding like…" Brother-Sergeant Seo struggled to recognize the wailing and moaning, but seconds later his eyes widened as he heard the thunderclaps.  "BRACE YOURSELVES!"

Tina and Moerchen could see the funnels of sound penetrate the sky like a spear through flesh.  Immediately the Chaplain brought himself over the Inquisitor.  "Stay beside me, my Lady!"  Everyone else had tried to find some sort of cover.  The sound waves crashed into the ground, kicking up dirt and debris everywhere and choking the skies with dust.

"ANOTHER BARRAGE!" The sergeant screamed as four more blasts threw the Imperial forces into a panic.  Xin and her stormtroopers tried to form up but one blast had scattered them, preventing them from organization.

Cailean formed a shield with his energy as he took a blast wave head on.  Judging by how easily he blunted it, he felt like it wasn't a killing blow, but merely a warning.  "Him…he approaches us…and without our knowing!  That null…she blocked my ability to see it coming!  Throne damn it!"

"Heh heh heh heh hehhhhh…ha…ha ha…ha…HA HA HA HA!" Maniacal the laughter was through the speakers.  Cailean could hear the jet engine roar letting out its moans of pleasure and pain.

Tina snarled.  "Him…that bloody heretic!"

The confusion of everyone not knowing what's going on, the obnoxious announcement, the clatter, and then the extremely unprofessional appearance of the source of all this noise.

That was the very worst entrance I have ever seen in my multi-millennial existence! That's exactly how it happens: they're all bracing for cover and apparently Torturer is just suddenly there, no explanation, no theatrics, no description of him showing up. He's apparently just floating directly overhead of these idiots (which begs the question how the rest of his crew are staying in mid-air without a jump pack like he has).

So Cailean suddenly is unable to use his powers in the presence of the Lady, so he does not notice... something happening? They're apparently being shot at, but by what? Artillery? Orbital gunfire? Both instances, one would expect, would kill the lot of them. But instead they are all conveniently unharmed by whatever is hitting them.

Instead of shooting this abomination apart on the spot (ideally with vengeance bolts), Team Retard goes ahead and engages in banter with Torturer, who replies by accurately implying that Tina and Chaplain Moerchen are copulating.

Accurately.

All joking aside, Torturer then brings out his team to introduce them to the good guys, who casually stand around and make comments about how each of them is the mirror-opposite of someone on the opposing team.

So after falling dozens of meters out of the sky (apparently from above the cloud-coverage, even, so actually hundreds of kilometers), they all just land and start striking ridiculous poses when their names are called.

Anyone else getting that vibe?

After some more time spent not shooting and instead staring awkwardly (we know not how much time exactly, as this follows another text break) Cailean reveals himself as Yoda.

"You know I will never stray from the Emperor so waste not my time."

 Roughly half a page later, the story finally ends on the single most asinine line yet:

All they needed was one word, and they got it.

"Attack."

I'm not entirely sure whether to be admiring their incredible discipline, or hating them severely for being so ultimately stupid that they need a command to shoot a painfully obvious group of targets.

---~~~---

So this part is a whole huge mound of nothing, really. In the time it took WalkingMaelstrom to quite forcibly introduce each of his utterly forgettable cast, we could have had out of him what each of them do by the two parties actually fighting.

So, if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare a little surprise for sweet Lelith. And get a new toe, while I'm out.

Toodles!

- V.