Aberration part 3

In which the Supreme Overlord is unamused...

Story: Aberration part 3
Author: SemperFiTRex/WalkingMaelstrom

It takes an extraordinary amount of stubbornness to not improve as a writer in a year and a half.

Over the course of a year and a half a lot can happen. You can get a girlfriend, lose a childhood pet, write a dissertation, get banned from Deviantart for being creepy...

As far as I know only one of those examples applies to WalkingMaelstrom.

And I'm pretty sure he didn't lose Old Yeller.

But really, Vessel of His Wrath was published to Deviantart in mid March 2010. Aberration part 3 was put up on the 27 of November 2011. I'll grant you this is, as memory serves, immediately following the time-period during which WalkingMaelstrom was banned from Deviantart, so it's possible he wrote Aberration much sooner, but in eight months he never bothered to edit this mess? He didn't have much else to do, being blocked from the site, so why not fix this vomit?

One line in and I'm already frustrated with this writing:

Some time passed that those who were up went off to take care of what they needed to aboard the ship.

Is English WalkingMaelstrom's first language or not? He writes at times like a 4 year old German with Aspergers.

When a reader is confronted by a line like that it scares them. There are no pauses in there. There are two statements made - "time passed" and "[people went] to take care of [business]" and they are drawn out in a single rambling thought. This sort of incoherent nonsense is probably why most Christians haven't read the Bible.

Or Tolkien, for that matter.

The first paragraph is this enormous, fat block of text that just goes on and on and on, solidifying everything we've ever come to hate about Inquisitor Tina and her idiot employ.

Perhaps the pain would subside.  What would not subside, though, would be the continuous enigma of Sergeant Andres Lakoff and this entire operation.  Just who was he and why did he immediately contact her to help the Lady Inquisitor escape?  Why were they, broken soldiers and a disgraced Inquisitor, so vital to whomever was or is pulling the strings?  She thought of the Eldar and Moerchen.  Was he alive?  Just what were the Eldar doing with the Space Marines?  She had always felt apprehensive of anything the witches did when Imperial matters were the central focus.  Perhaps, when it all boiled down to it, she wanted her men and women to be alive and victorious at the end of the day.

 That's the beginning of the latter half of the first paragraph. No spacing.

But surprise, dear reader. This entire part is devoted to her and her incompetent crew. We don't get a break from this inanity.

The end of the first text block reminds us that Lieutenant Xin (I'm having difficulty remembering these people) got her job from killing genestealers after the original lieutenant got eaten by them.

 She got her vengeance, his position, and a fragment of that very claw still with her.

 Okay, I see the problem now. WalkingMaelstrom is so desperate to outwardly display intellect that he thinks superfluous wording imitating Elizabethan English will be able to compensate for his lack of creativity.  In making this his focus however, WalkingMaelstrom has forgotten the other elements of good storytelling - to not even speak of his own language.

I swear, this will be the last time I break down such a specific example in this part. We'll be back to petty mockery momentarily.

Take the first four words of that sentence and they form a lone thought. But cut out the mid-section of that sentence to make "that very claw" the subject, and you get this:

 She got a fragment of that very claw still with her.

 I am reminded of African American eye-dialect. Dat gurl, she got a frag'm'nt a' dat claw still wit' 'er.

You do not receive an object which is still in your possession. What the above quote seems to be stating is simply that Xin has "a fragment of that very claw" in her posession, which clashes with the rest of the sentence.

This is WalkingMaelstrom's folly. In hopes of sounding smart when he really isn't, he's made the mistake of the Emperor and his new clothes.

"But mummy, he's not making any sense at all!"

That's an unsettlingly accurate comparison I realize now.

A less attuned sight would not have noticed it, but Lakoff caught a light twitch that was her way of a grin considering the situation. 

Ugh! There it is again!

 Following that paragraph is a scene of the ship returning to real-space that is, thankfully, properly spaced. Would that it was actually the ship returning to space rather than people on the bridge shouting that they're doing so.

And aww, the storm troopers hold hands.

Xin held Hallock's hand again as the ship rocked here and there with the Warp rift starting to tear itself back into real space. 

 Okay, no, I have to keep breaking this down. Fiction rarely refers to the process of emerging from the warp using words such as "tear" or "rift" since these already refer to the catastrophic opening of a permanent/semi-permanent hole between the warp and reality. A ship's journey from hell and back is usually referred to in terms such as "translation" or "jump" or something else that at least has a neutral connotation.

And I don't remember them ever requiring the crew to brace anywhere else. Too brutish. There's tens of thousands of crewmen on these ships, they can't all be expected to drop what they're doing and grab a rail. I seriously doubt that warp-entry and -exit is that dangerous for a fully intact ship. The worst I've ever seen is Ciaphas Cain musing on an unpleasant sensation in his stomach after a jump.

Little bits of in-universe information like this are nice when there's a context though. This scene just serves as padding. It has no bearing to the story at-large, it doesn't really stand for anything - it's entirely pointless since we've gone without examining warp-translations before.

In all actuality what this scene does convey is that Xin and Hallock are "young at heart".

Read: mentally handicapped.

So as it turns out Lakoff was supposed to be meeting with some mysterious third party at this location, presumably to evacuate Tina elsewhere since she's too clueless to help herself. But nobody is present.

They're dumbly wondering how to react when suddenly, they're stampeded by a large fleet of ships.

Not a few seconds later did the ship start to rumble.

 Not a few seconds later? When did it start to rumble, then? An hour after the fact?

The next paragraph simply cracks me up however.

"Hold onto something!  Prepare for the shockwave!" He screamed grabbing onto the ledge and anyone else nearby.

 How many appendages does this guy have to grab with? He's just grabbing whoever is close like some sort of carapace-armored octopus.

He watched in utter amazement as the massive craft flung itself through the rift and zoomed past the tiny destroyer, slowing down to where his own ship was at about the halfway point.

There's a penis joke in there somewhere.

It was massive, just utterly massive. 

The crew itself was thrown about and the ship nearly tilted to its side.  Things went black for a minute with panicked screaming.

This leads to an extraordinarily awkward, extraordinarily weeaboo moment where, in an effort to spark some hopeless romance WalkingMaelstrom writes Sergeant Lakoff stumbling into Lieutenant Xin amidst the ship's shaking.

Anyone with half a brain can surmise who's just showed up.

Xin gasped.  "Throne…it is them.  It's…the Imperial Paladins."

Oh, dear. I'm going to need to break out the Johnny Walker for this, I fear.

So Inquisitor Tina tries to message them so that the frigate does not get blown up in space,

The vox again cut her off.  "Unidentified craft!  This is your second warning!  State your purpose and contents immediately!"

 And they conveniently cut her off.

I especially like how they give them something like 5 seconds to state what they're doing there...

And everything that they're carrying aboard the ship. I'm sure we all want to hear about each type of ammunition they're carrying, the various portions of fuels, the different foods and their current supply of water...

But I digress. The Paladins being unable to hear the inquisitor talking is actually a stalling tactic on WalkingMaelstrom's part to try and generate just a little more suspense before he finally plops Tina in the hands of yet another masculinity symbol.

"Chapter Master!" The nearest battle brother knelt as he approached the opening doors.   All inside had made themselves humble before Quintus as he, Dinotus, and Zerev strode forth towards the holo-screens.

"Brother-Captain Trwari, I am told we have unexpected company!"

Holy shit on a shit-stick, what the shit is THAT?

Trwari? What kind of name is that?

Upon discovering who it is they're currently in the process of steamrolling, the Imperial Paladins quickly meet to discuss the matter. Zerev (another random captain of awful naming) suggests this:

"I say we leave them.  Her involvement into our business has already cost us enough trouble, the Inquisition already looming down over our shoulders."

 I smiled at that. I really did. "Cost us enough trouble," has she? Then by all means let's keep using her, I say. She's draining our misfortune, it would seem.

The phrase he's gloriously screwed up here is "caused us enough trouble," which is close in phonetics but far off in meaning.

And, really, I would appreciate the chance to hear what exactly it is that Tina has done that makes her so mistrusted amongst... well, everyone and everything. Tenepht obviously had no real cause for complaint with her. Is this more nonsense about her getting kidnapped by a chaos space marine? Like being abducted suddenly makes her a villain.

Eventually the Paladins decide to let the inquisitor and her cohorts take refuge aboard the Chapter fleet.

Without contacting her for her opinion on the matter.

Abduction #4, counting Sergeant Lakoff's little stunt.

Muses, she really is a brunette Princess Peach.

When the shuttle is already underway, Quintus chooses to message the friga-- sorry, destroyer, and talks down to Lady Inquisitor Tina,

"You should consider yourself fortunate, Lady Inquisitor.  It is your being here that brings me to address you, the very lord of the chapter.  Had it just been yourself, I might have reconsidered doing what I am about to do, but I have gained the intelligence about your escape and just who is with you.  It is for the brave souls aboard that perform against all odds for your sake that I do this.  Boarding craft are being dispatched at this moment to bring you aboard," from the corner of his eyes he could see the troopers jubilant and embracing each other, "and to provide you the asylum you seek.  We too have been plagued by those after you, so our sentiments are of like mind."

 And once again neglects all sense of linguistic rules. And of course, being apparently the least powerful inquisitor in existence Tina accepts and licks his boots while he brow-beats her:

The Lady's heart skipped a beat despite the less than subtle verbal barb he had unleashed. "I…we…we are humbled, noble Quintus."

"Prepare for boarding.  Take anything and everything from this ship you will need.  It will be destroyed soon afterward.  The Emperor protects."

"Yes, of course."

The screen flickered off, leaving the escapees with their thoughts and prayers to the Emperor amidst the excitement.  Sergeant Lakoff himself was still left in confusion.  He wondered where his contact was supposed to be and how there was absolutely no word of the Imperial Paladins showing up here.  

Xin slapped his shoulder.  "We've got troops to get ready, sergeant."

"Oh!  Yeah…right you are, ma'am."

An hour passed and the crew nervously awaited the craft, Trooper Rana Hallock out in the front with eyes wide.  Her hand ached considerably from the excitement and flurry of the packing, but she did not care.  Dressing in only her medicae outfit and packing whatever else she could scavenge, she whispered thanks to the Emperor.  At long last, after the weeks of despair, she would meet them again.

The champions of mankind.

 Whoa, Nelly! Spontaneous double-spacing following a single-space pattern!

The destroyer shook as the boarding crafts found purchase with the entry hatches.  

"They're here!" Hallock cried out.

Oh, great, look what the cat dragged in.

The thumps of ceramite boots echoed through the halls and around the open range of the docking bays themselves.  Hallock stood firm as the first giant stepped closer and closer.  The armor was a brilliant blue bedecked with ceremonious seals, golden trim, and the rich scent of incense.  The first Space Marine approached and she could feel the aura of the power sword at his hip, glowing with a pure energy that would not dare spill the blood of an innocent.  Flanking him were two other Space Marines, masks with eyes of righteous hatred hiding faces of all emotion, human faces.  Their bolters were held firmly, always at the ready, yet postured themselves to act more the guardian.  She stared up at the man, heart pumping wildly and a tear yearing to run down her cheek.  He knelt down to where his head was finally at hers, not as a sign of any fealty, no.  This was a gesture to see those they were to protect, at their level.  He removed his helmet and revealed a rather youthful face marred here and there by age and a solitary life as a warrior.  What struck Hallock the most when she stared into those piercing teal eyes was the shocking amicability from his smile.

"A-A-A-A…" she stuttered with shaking hands trying to form the Aquila.  No one else could even approach, Lady Tina too humbled and the rest awestruck by the Astartes.

Does Trooper Pillock even serve any purpose? Does she do anything useful besides screech about space marines all day and night? She was worthless in Egression and presently she's just as completely irrelevant.

Xin cut herself in between Lakoff and the Inquisitor.  "With respect, noble Astartes, I am coming too!  I am Lieutenant Xin and I'm her escort, I'll also be taking Trooper Rana Hallock with me." Hallock and Tina shot her a surprised glance at the sudden declaration, unsure whether to respect or hush the officer.

This is obviously some sick joke.

Appolus grinned.  "While logic would dictate the need for a 'bodyguard' unnecessary, I can sense a close bond between you and this woman, young lieutenant, one of unflinching loyalty.  Very well, take whoever you feel up to the task.  We will depart soon.  Gather everything you can since you will be with for a while, likely."

And now space marines can just sense affection. This is a far-cry from the autists I'm used to dealing with.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, character background exposition:

The shuttles had slowed themselves down and finally landed.  They were inside.  The doors hissed and as the guards stepped forth to greet their brethren, the escapees tried to compose themselves aboard the barge.  It was certainly a difficult feat.  They had been aboard Inquisitorial vessels many a time, but nothing like that of the Rolan Valentis, adorned with frescoes, stained glass, banners, and the most illustrious metal workings dotting the landscape from within the loading bays themselves.  Only Lady Tina seemed to feel unfazed by it all, her experience with the Death Spirits allowing such a luxury from that time long ago aboard the ill-fated Shangri-La and her novice days as an Inquisitor.

 Now's probably not the best time to remark that there's no such thing as a novice Inquisitor. Off of that though, if we're going to talk about frescoes and stained glass, perhaps we could get a little description of what this all depicts? Might make it worth mentioning.

The inquisitorial party is escorted to the bridge presumably, and we are once again reminded the storm troopers are incompetent in all regards, even something so simplistic as discipline:

Xin and Hallock walked side by side in rare unity as officer and subordinate, eyes unable to fix upon anything as the sights and sounds of the Space Marines had overwhelmed them in mere seconds.  However that was soon corrected as the thunderous roars of battery fire echoed through the halls, all turning to watch the Falchion destroyer reduced to mere scrap.  The stars themselves played spectator to the unrelenting destruction as explosions lit the ether only to be snuffed out like the flames of candles.  As their faces lit up from the light and energy outside, the entryway slowly opened.

"Attention on deck, brothers!  The Chapter Master approaches!  Hail, Lord Quintus!"

"Hail!" They screamed in unison, Captain Appolus taking a knee as the others followed suit.

Hallock was the first to turn to see him, mouth agape in sheer awe.  Each step he took was like thunder in her eardrums, the gaze he had upon them all piercing and unmoving, every second as if time had slowed.

"B-B-By-By the Emperor…"

"Get on a knee, Trooper!" Xin yanked her down before she was further paralyzed in wonder.  She too had felt the strong aura of not only the Chapter Master, but also from whom she assumed was the Chief Librarian, the latter's eyes already noting her and Hallock's talk.

 I've nothing more to say about them.

He stopped and with a mere opening of his gauntleted hand Captain Appolus rose.

"My Lord, we have brought everyone from the destroyer aboard.  The 'evidence' is currently being expunged."

The voice of the Chapter Master was deep and imposing, a leathery tone further wizened by the centuries he had served, keen eyes bearing down upon all of them, Astartes and trooper alike.  His tone was cordial, respectful of his trusted captain yet serious in manner of situation.  "Your speed and effectiveness does you credit, Brother Appolus.  You may continue escorting the personnel towards initial processing and inspection.  I want them to be fully tested and found of nothing worth dealing with.  The Chief Librarian assures me that they are of pure spirit and I would hope to not have him be seen a fool.

Captain Appolus knew the last remarks were aimed ever so subtly at the Lady Inquisitor and her crew, rather than he and the Second Company, "Your will, my Lord."

"You," he pointed directly at Tina, who rose upon his signal, "you are the Lady Inquisitor are you not?"

"Yes, I am, Chapter Master Quintus." She could note the slight feeling of discomfort from the Chief Librarian, her null aura already being noticed without any form of announcement.  The other Imperial Paladins had shown similar but fainter signs.

"Brother-Epistolary Cailean had spoken to me about you and what had transpired upon Grexx.  There is much for you to tell us about.  And believe me when I say there is much for you to tell, I will want to hear everything.  Take whom you need and follow me at once."

"Of, of course." Humbled, she signaled Lakoff, Xin, Lamortes, and Hallock to her sides.  All had frozed to allow the Chapter Master his leave to where he would sit and judge the refugees, hoping her words would reach him.  The Chief Librarian spoke not a word as a few minutes passed with him standing until he felt ready, instead merely a raise of his staff and a point towards the entrance, towards the Hall.

 ---~~~---

And that's a wrap. Thankfully I seem to have managed to dodge ork duty for now.

There's really nothing more to comment on here. This was just dismal in the extreme.

By this point it's abundantly clear that WalkingMaelstrom and Torture-Device have no clear sense of what's going on, or where it's going. It's rather pathetic, really.

But I'm still strung up by the appearance of this new writer earlier this week. Hopefully he'll prove interesting.

Although at this pace, Lelith and I will reach him in another four months. Oh well.

Enjoy life while it lasts, Kabalites!

 - V.