Altercation part 1

In which our Mistress walks in a circle.

Story: Altercation part 1
Author: WalkingMaelstrom/SemperFiTRex

You know how they say that working out can help you think sometimes? It's true. For the past few weeks, I've racked my brains trying to figure out a less finger-breaking way of referring to SemperFiTRex. Because seriously, writing that every damn time fucking hurts my pinky finger after a while.

And it is so simple! It has literally been staring me in the face, like a carnodon with bad-breath. Incidentally, that was what I was doing when I figured this out. So, after shoving a knife rather unceremoniously through the roof of the beast's mouth - not my best performance in the arena, I am willing to admit - I decided to do this thing.

I have decided to call our unrepentantly idiotic author for Semtex!

Why? Because this cock-guzzling thunder-cunt's writing makes my head hurt to the point of exploding!

And the worst part is that I just can't put it beyond me that Vect has planned this all to some degree. See, he gets all the fun parts, with the stupid fights, with the rampant misogyny (we have what? 3 recurring female characters? this is a sausage-fest...) or the hilarious gayness.
Maybe I am being unfair. I did get the hard end of the stupid-stick with Peregrination part 2. And I got the first half of the fighting back with Symphony of Chaos part 1.

Dark Muses alive... we've been doing this for more than half a year now...

I know Vect remarked that Semtex seems only capable of getting slightly technically better and I am bound to agree. At least with Aberration, Semtex started to name chapters in a manner that actually makes sense in relation to what takes place in the story.

By that logic, Altercation should have a fair bit of fighting, right?

Let's find out!

The stench was utterly revolting.  For those who had their senses attuned to the maximum pleasure possible, this was anathema, a private hell if one may call it that. 

D'aaw, our precious Slaaneshii boys have sensitive noses. How cute! Oddly enough, they weren't noticeably affected by it when you consider Torturer's personal hugbox of flesh that we were introduced to in Retaliation part 2.

Stokkpile and the Sick Six banter some, and we're informed that the Chaos Marines interrupted Stokk's "squig massaj", whatever the hell that is. They are doing this while walking into one of apparently many shady establishments on the 'Ard Rok Kasino. Entering the bar, called Slop's Shop, nearly sets off a fight for no good reason -- admittedly very Orky --, which Ledhed sorts out. So, no fight. No altercation here.

Then we get this:

Torturer grabbed Stokkpile by the arm and with teeth bare tightened his grip to break the ork's skin, "You mind telling me

 When I first read this I honestly thought Semtex had just forgot to finish the sentence. It would not be beyond him, just a new low of laziness. However I soon realized this was something worse.

This is how Semtex thinks an interruption of somebody's dialogue is done. He actually thinks this is how it is done! Get a hyphen, man!

We also get the wonderful word "parlay" again. Not parley. Parlay. Dark Muses alive, get a dictionary!

Anyway, Slop's Shop is owned by the eponymous Slop, a beer-bellied and -swilling Ork with a bad attitude (are there any others?). The mental image I had was of a green-skinned Winston Churchill for some reason.
He has some complaints about what Stokkpile is up to, but decides to serve the Orks that arrived anyway. Because otherwise Ledhed will use his innards as a scarf? It is not made clear what leverage Stokk has on Slop.

So Stokk and the Sick Six, along with Ledhed and Breaknek and some other Orks sit down and talk. For about a page or so. Then Breaknek, losing patience with the pansy pink poofs, starts goading Torturer. And Torturer replies to the horrid Cockney slurs with purple prose.

"I'll slice ya propah, 'umie!  I'll feed ya ta Krusha's squigs!"

"That's a pity for you then.  I'm somewhat indigestible!"

 Who talks like this? And it goes on and on, becoming a non-altercation at about the point that Torturer literally says "U Mad?". I say non-altercation because it turns into a Mexican Stand-off. With Orks.

And Tau.

Wait WHAT?

[Stokkpile] pointed to the beings Ignis had noticed with surprise.  Torturer shared the sentiments, as he saw who appeared to be a Tau "shas'ui" sergeant dressed without armor and flanked by two fire warriors, one male and another female. 

"'Shas'ui' sergeant." Nice tautology, Semtex.

Oh, that was too damn easy.

At least we now know what the fuck a greyskin was supposed to be. But it just further begs the question how the fuck a species with crude FTL technology even got to the Rok in the first place!

Where are they even at right now? I thought they were going to the Maelstrom? How did they wind up in Tau territory?

Anyway, it turns out the Tau are under protection from Stokkpile, though, and he takes some time to talk about how there are some persons on the Rok you don't "crump". This goes into Stokk's proposal to fix the flying dildo in exchange for "gubbinz". Torturer says no. This banter continues back and forth for... oooh... about a page.

I can understand that Torturer doesn't want to part with his loot, but the solution offered is that Ledhed and one of the boys in the Sick Six fight each other, winner takes it all.

A duel. This is can understand. It is dumb, sure, but what did you expect from this series? Now, who'd I choose if I were Torturer? Well, better not put myself on the line (if I was there, I'd gladly accept, but Torturer can't even kill a Librarian, so whelp); Zekkel is hopeless in combat; Foerx is a long-range chum; better not put my medic and tech-savvy man Malexis on the line; Razorwire is a Havoc.

That leaves us with Ignis! Ignis is a close combat specialist! And wouldn't you know! Semtex for once agrees with me! Huzzah! Logic wins out-

"Very well, mek.  I accept.  I choose, for my champion, Sergeant Ig…"  

"You'll choose me!" Razorwire pushed Ignis to the side and stepped forward.  "No discussion!  I'm the biggest and most violent amongst all of you sniveling sycophants, and if there's anyone who is going to rip this incorrigible ork limb from limb, it will be me!" 

And before Torturer can contest this, Stokkpile spits in his palm and calls it done!

Razorwire and Ledhed are going to have a Kage Mash.

A Kage. Mash!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE COME FULL CIRCLE!

We are back to where we started, with two morons wrestling each other for grabs. The one difference is that there was something about Vessel of His Wrath being written tongue-in-cheek. It had to be, because otherwise that would mean our author has no sense of to- oh wait. Yeah... Right.

The two groups split up and the Orks convene the Kouncil of Smart 'Uns again. Semtex continually refers to them as "Ork's" and it is making me truly wonder whether English is his first language. He clearly has no understanding of how possessive and plural forms work.

Eitherway, the Orks talk about how there is this other Mek and he won't appreciate the Kage Mash at all, interrupting Stokk's ronkin' big "squig-be-que" and all. The foreshadowing is about as subtle as Torturer's U MAD? before. But...

"Da Kage Mash iz on!  Oi!  Spread da wurd an' get da flyahz!  Get all da boyz an' flash gitz an' squig farmaz an' basikly all da orks!" 

Meanwhile on the pink dildo:

A hard ceramite glove met the scarred man's face, from the backside, and sent him stumbling backwards towards the command console aboard the resting ship. 

'Spousal abuse run-on sentence is going on.

Torturer is obviously NOT HAPPY with Razorwire butting in and proving once more that he is a massive idiot. Razorwire, true to form, tries to defend his actions.

"Yes!  It was for pride, Lord!" The last word exiting his lips more than facetious,  "Apparently you're so apt to shed it from you like that wordmongler over there," a finger extended pointing hatefully to the former Exorcist Marine, "that I had to instill it back into all of us!  We let these orks stomp all over us as not a finger is lifted, so once again I will have to muscle through!" 

That tirade of purple prose actually manages to SWAY not just Ignis, but Malexis and Zekkel too to Razorwire's cause. So much for logic winning out. In the end, even Torturer is won over, as he realizes that if Razorwire dies, it is one less problem for him. Nevermind that the Orks will then wear their insides as hats.

Magnificent, purely magnificent, she thought.  Trooper Rana Hallock could not be more in adoration walking slowly through The Hall.  The pain in her hand was ignored by sheer mental amazement towards the grandeur of the Imperial Paladins. 

FUCK YOU, PILLOCK! I HATE YOU! HATE! YOU!

Why must we put up with this mid-20 something woman, an Inquisitorial storm trooper no less, that is stuck in the mentality of a tween? Why?

My guess is that Semtex somehow thinks people like Pillock. That she is an awesome genki-desu girl. No! She is not! She is a moron!

The group of refugees are being led to Chapter Master Raimond Quintus, a being that so utterly blows Pillock's noodle that she begins to stammer in his presence.

"M-M-My…L-Lord Qu-Quin-Quintus…the…the Epistolary…"

But I am getting ahead of myself.

The group is being led to Quintus by Dinotus, who seems perfectly fine to be leading them despite there being an UNBOUND PARIAH IN THEIR MIDST. His sole reflection over the Lady Inquisitor being a Pariah is that he can't read the people around her. He seems most interested in Pillock, for a reason I cannot fathom.

What follows once they are in front of Quintus is more talking. With Quintus being a grade A bastard. How? By belittling the Lady Inquisitor, calling her entire life and works a lie, and that she, as a woman, can never have the magnificent Roboute Guilliman as her spiritual liege!

"Your existence carries falsehoods, Inquisitor Tina Amalthea Solarius, or whatever moniker you give yourself nowadays!  Your name itself carries a lie, ever-changing for the situation.  Your troopers around you have names, real identities, but not you.  Your actions deceive what we thought would benefit the chapter upon Grexx.  Just what part of you is not a fabrication?" 

Okay, not really, but it is not far from being like that.
And Semtex once again shows his lack of creativity by referring to Inquisitor Tina Solarius as "Inquisitor Tina Amalthea Solarius, or whatever moniker you give yourself nowadays". He had Judias do it in Rumination part 2 and Tenepht as well in Egression part 1. It's getting tedious. We get it; Lady Tina has used many names in her line of duty. But it's not as if MaKo85 posted a reference sheet that listed her actual name, is it? Wait...

So, Quintus is basically looking for a reason not to blow Lady Tina out the nearest airlock, which makes you wonder why he had them brought aboard the ship in the first place. Could've just blown them to bits when on the Falchion of Fail and saved us all a lot of bother.

That would actually have finished off that so-called plot-thread nicely. And we would've been rid Lady Tina AND Pillock in one blow. But no, you can't do that when you use other people's characters for your story, and that is why a good author doesn't! Semtex ain't one, as we have established.

This tirade of derision, that sets Xin off into a simmering rage and which is swiftly defused by Andres; how does Lady Tina meet it?

Her head picked up from the floor she stared at for a brief moment, thinking of her actions and those she cared for.  She whispered to herself, "For as long as he lives, so shall I." 

Is it physically possible for her to function as a normal human being without (mentally) blowing Moerchen's two foot cock? No? Well then!

The last four pages is Quintus being an asshole, Tina a cunt, Pillock a twat and Xin a complete bitch, all wrapped up in tedious, pompous malformed writing. so I say, CUT!

Because we all KNOW that Quintus is going to let them stay on board the ship. There is no tension here. All it is, is Quintus being an assholish guy putting the wimminz in their proper places.

--------------------------- 

In this end-cap let's talk of an increasingly obvious problem of this series: the misogyny.

It's not as if it weren't present from the start, but back then it was more sexism than outright misogyny. Lady Tina could fight, as could Xin and Pillock, back in Symphony of Chaos. But with the Lady Inquisitor's capture, she seems to have lost her balls - excuse the pun.

Let's count our named female characters and what they have done:

1. The Lady Inquisitor Tina Something-something. Started out half-way competent, though her Pariah-ability doesn't seem to affect men that much. Is now the single most useless character in the entire series. Utterly dependent on the thought of Moerchen and his cock to function in day to day life. 
2. Lt. Ksi-Xin. Got promoted into dead man's boots and they are obviously too large. Has, with the advent of Andres, turned into a catty bitch, because who knows how women function! 
3. Trooper Rana Hallock aka Pillock. Was never good. She's annoying. And recently turned batshit bonkers and now grovels for the Imperial Paladins, ready to serve those big, burly men. 
4. The Wych Aeseryth L'Hyel. Halfway capable, but disqualified as a strong character because she is a slave and captive to a big but not so burly Space Marine. 
5. Cultist Cath. She's a self-insert Mary Sue, though of whom I have no fucking clue. She is, along with Aeseryth, the one who regularly acts as Torturer's cum bucket. But Cath does it willingly, throwing herself at HER MAN'S feet. 
6. Elon'waen. Is dumb as a door-knob, serves every whim of Devonar and flies off the handle more easily than any of the male Eldar. 
7. Judias. Gets bawled out by Tenepht for being fucking useless. Overall just subservient to a man whose intelligence places the lemming in a good light. 
8. Captain Gelmir. Gets strong and determined after the man she didn't know she loved is killed and her ship gets wrecked avenging him. OF COURSE! 

When I first tried recounting this, I had utterly forgotten Cath, Elon'waen and Gelmir. That is how much of a non-mark they left in my mind. The rest of the named characters are all male.

This is a sausage fest.

"BROTHERS I HAVE FINALLY FOUND THE PENIS!"

I don't care if most of the characters are Space Marines. There is a gender-bias in this that is beyond salvaging!

What scares me the most is that Semtex seems like he doesn't quite understand that he is being sexist. He seems to think this is all okay to write and nobody won't take offense in the slightest.

Well, Lelith does take offense to his thickheadedness. Any sane person does.

To answer the question asked in the beginning: no, there's no real altercations in this part. Minor squabbles, but no altercations.

So where's the fighting, then? I'm sure Lord Vect will be able to give an answer.

'Til next time!

//L//