Story: Altercation, pt. 2
Author:
By now, reader, you are privy to my burning, seething hatred of greenskins.
Well, frankly speaking, the only thing I can actually say I hate about them is that particularly mentally challenged portion of their fandom which thinks "dat making dem tawk loik dis" is the bee's knees.
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| Well, the psychneuein's knees as the case may be. |
OH THAT'S RIGHT.
He changed his name back. The only difference is that he has a hyphen, which probably has less to do with dear Lelith's advice than it does the tedious, broken system of name-changing which dA uses.
Uh-huh. Venture Bros. Yes, I remember - you told us as much in your comment, Walking-Maelstrom.
We really do appreciate that you read our stuff, Walking-Maelstrom. Thank you so much for caring enough to inform us, because nobody watched that show.
Now I know we have savagely mauled this old, dead, rotting horse repeatedly, but Walking-Maelstrom has a stark problem with opening scenes.
What is really said here? Quintus watches people leave. He turns to his friend. This is a weak introduction - it fails to establish setting, it fails to invoke emotion, and it fails to connect to the previous chapter entirely.
Quintus watched the man known as Sergeant Lakoff follow the women out the entrance from the Hall, pensive as ever in his analysis. He turned to his friend.
It has been a few months since the last chapter, so what happened? As Lelith simply grew so tired of it she cut the summary before it was over, but Altercation, pt. 1 ends with troopers Xin and Lakoff arguing. A paragraph-break between this and Quintus abusing the visiting party suggests passage of time...
But here we are in part 2 fifteen minutes backwards, focusing on the space marines again watching the beginnings of the closing of part 1. It feels as though this may have been intended to be part of the first chapter... though, really, who else but an idiot creates a chapter of ten thousand words?
Quintus and Chief-Librarian Dinotus (who is jarringly referred to by his apparent-given name of "Garrod") discuss the party. Quintus is clearly hoping that Dinotus can provide useful information with his psychic powers and clear telepathic mastery, but all that Dinotus can do for him is insist that Hallock (presumably Hallock) is somehow special:
I would indeed agree that Hallock is very special, but I do not think we're on the level here.
The Chief Librarian placed his force weapon upon the ledge and rested his posture. "It is not often that I am so…taciturn when dealing with others. These people, these…refugees almost, they interest me in a rather peculiar way."
"The girl?"
"She is amongst them of course. However, there was much that I sensed from her where I could not from the others."
"Latent psyker?""No. That much was obvious."
Walking-Maelstrom simply assumes that his reader can piece together his frayed logic and discover the identities of such unnamed individuals as "the girl" and "the man". In reality this is a guessing game of near-unparallelled tedium.
Leonir Kunz, the Ultimate Chaplain chooses this time to spontaneously rematerialize:
"Perhaps, in due time, and we will find out exactly what. She, however, had something about her…as if she was hoping we would arrive, and no other Astartes but we Imperial Paladins."
"Such faith," Kunz butted in, "it is to be commendable."
Someone get this man a tranquilizer!
He mistakes Pillock's Paladin-induced Stockholm Syndrome for faithfulness, which suggests much about the mentality of the Imperial Paladins. Recall that they never actually received a request for protection from Inquisitor Tina before they brought her aboard; they merely insisted that they would provide her guardianship. The Imperial Paladins are less the protectors of humanity as they are crazed, megalomaniacal kidnappers who spend more time praising themselves for insignificant accomplishments.
If ever there was a Chapter which deserved to be destroyed then it would be this one, if only because of the enormous strain they place on Imperial resources. Don't forget that a dedicated devastator of several centuries -- one who apparently earned the mourning of the entire Chapter -- was able to slay less than a handful of flimsy, poorly-armored creatures with his heavy bolter at point-blank range.
It's an entirely laughable scenario, so much so that I am in fact spending more time deconstructing it than I am summarizing it to you.
I assure you, you're not missing much.
This is what I call "trying too hard".
"The lack of the soul does not necessarily rob one of their humanity, especially one still devoted to the Emperor. My mind's feelings towards one should not impair what should be a fair treatment of one who could prove to be an ally."
"Her sin is pride, ours is laxity, laxity for not doing more to save those people, to save whomever we could."Ohohokay, I'm sorry, but "laxity" is a very poor choice of word there.
I suppose the Paladins' geneseed suffers an unfortunate defect which causes severe constipation, and in their desperation to soothe it the Chapter has turned to dark, unspeakable means of laxation.
I'm honest to goodness bored of this already, and if you're abiding by the drinking game rules as rigidly as I am, then you have already downed your drink at least twice in this chapter and have consumed eight shots.
The word "mayhap" is used four times in part 2, and two of these instances are within a paragraph of one-another.
I am dying a slow, painful death, dear reader.
Let us go ahead and skip directly to the Sick Six and their predicament:
Three days had finally passed, days that felt like eternity aboard the Engine of Obscenity as it stood there docked with crude chains and machinery binding her.Okay, look. Lelith and I have come to the consensus that the "Kasino" is in fact a large space station, but this contradicts the earlier madness about gravity from the aptly-named Aberration, pt. 1. I severely doubt that the gravitational pull between the Flying Icon of Overcompensation and the 'Ard Rok Kasino would be sufficient to endanger either of them unless they were on a direct collision course.
If Stokkpile fired a tractor beam at a passing ship it stands to reason his station would have received the reactive energy of the Obscene Example of Prose's momentum. If they fired a tractor beam at it while it was falling towards the Kasino, then would this not have expedited the Kasino's obliteration?
That line of reasoning only leads us back to the evident fact that there is no reason for this nauseating digression whatsoever.
The Sick Six's lengthy segment opens with a long chunk of text which reads like a dissertation on divinity by a particularly passionate student of theology.
I would also like to note for your convenience that doors like to swing wide open quite frequently in this series.
I am sorry, but nobody seems to be able to just open a door normally. They must always be so violent about it!
The doors swung wide open and waiting for the both of them was Sergeant Ignis.
Ignis is not missing anything which might warrant his aggressive door-opening technique. Torturer and his band of degenerates are simply discussing who to gets to come with them to the... "Kage Mash." At this juncture I want everyone to know...
There is a FUCKING DEATH COMPANY MARINE IN THIS WARBAND.
"Heh, what about the former Death Company, Marco? Too savage for the sport, maybe?"
As in, THE BLOOD ANGELS' DEATH COMPANY.
Forgive me if I have downed my drink too quickly, but aren't these people hallucinating that they are, in fact, Sanguinius, pure and loyal and loving son of the Emperor, living out his final hours and minutes? What would possess the Angel to join such a mediocre--
Oh, oh by the Muses, I need more vodka...
I apologize, but everything is starting to blur after that revelation. What I can tell you is that there is a grot named "Oi," who makes the typical orky call for attention "Oi!" very confusing, and--
"Where?" He grabbed his "binorkularz" to where he saw a rather obese and surly looking ork grunting and growling to some lesser minions. Judging by his appearance he was none too pleased to learn who was organizing this, stuffed in with the other boyz. "Heh…posh git finks 'e 'az a presenz 'ere. Wutta losah."
The gretchin play-fight which constitutes nothing but pointless padding; the dialogue between the orks which constitutes nothing but padding; Lady Tina's idiot-storm trooper lieutenant Xin expressing her sexual frustration which constitutes nothing but padding.
Everything is meaningless and empty, in the face of this one.
Single.
Unword.
---~~~---
Lelith and I are going to have a long, hard, stiff talk about this trainwreck, and it will not involve any lubricant of any sort.
In closing, let me say that it is growing incredibly difficult to muster up fresh humor for this. All that the next half-dozen chapters consist of is mindless rehashing of the same useless, poorly-wrought fighting sequences, idiotic banter and long-winded exposition.
The word "mayhap" features extensively as well.
There will be a solution to this, reader, I promise you.
- V.
Where's the Sexual Frustration and where's the marine DICKS! I feel like I am promised something for free and still got ripped off!
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